BeckyK's Journal

Journal Entry for October 2, 2007 Mood

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Well I am back. Not doing good here.

Cole was sick with a temp a week ago Sat. of 103F, we got it back down, he went to school on Monday. Tuesday he was back up to 101.2F and so I took him to the doctor, he has a terrible cough that keeps him up half the night too. The doctor said he has a virus, but did give him some heavy duty cough medicine. He did not have a fever Friday, Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. Now today he has a fever of 102.6F.

Clay started to have a fever yesterday, we kept it under control for the day, last night at around 11pm we went in to check on him. Clay was moaning and shaking!!!!!! We got him up and took his temp. 105.2F!!!!!!! I am trying not to have a panic attack while undressing him and putting him in a warm bath (which he thought was freezing) we kept him in the bath for about a 1/2 hour when his temp started to come down. got him in some cool jammies and brought him into bed with us. We were up most of the night with him, keeping him cool with wet wash cloths and our ceiling fan. His temp was down to normal by 7:30am this morning. What a relief, but I am sure this is not the end of the temp for him, if he has the same thing Cole does.

I am going to continue to monitor their temps through out the day, and maybe take them to the doctor's today or tomorrow.

I am feeling like crap today, my sinuses are hurting and I am sneezing a lot. I hope I am not coming down with the same thing! Maybe I am just tired from lack of sleep.

Well the last couple of weeks went ok. I guess. Gary seems to think that our problems now are mostly my fault and that he has changed. I don't think he has changed. I think he has found new ways to manipulate, and is just not yelling. I may be wrong, but I don't think that I am to blame for the bulk of our problems. Yes I am still hurt, and angry over the past, and what he has done and said to hurt me. No I can't just get over it and move on. I can't just "focus on the here and now". I am still hurting over the past, and that hurt won't go away just because you apologize and say you have changed! I need to see and feel change, a lot of change!! Everything is still all about him, how he is feeling, what he needs. I tried to tell him how I am feeling and he tried to convince me that I shouldn't feel that way. That is how I am feeling!!! Right or wrong, that is how I am feeling. I can not seem to deal with him when he is talking about his feelings in a clam way either. I am too angry and defensive to respond in the way I should, in the way I want him to respond to me. BIG PROBLEM!

My assignment for the week is to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I am smart, I am intelligent, I am beautiful." I am saying it, just can't quite believe that. If I am so smart, why have I gotten myself in such a mess? Why can't I seem to get myself out of this mess?

I am still teetering in the edge of just saying forget it, and just having him move out and going through with the divorce. I don't even like him touching me anymore, it just doesn't feel right.

I am all kinds of mixed up and confused right now. I don't know what to do, or what I want....

Hug BeckyK

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Comments

You have every right to feel what you're feeling. This is not your fault and you MUST believe that. If you feel that Gary should move out then this is what you should do. You honestly need some time away from him, because this is the only time you are happy. Doesn't that tell you something? Don't analyze yourself Becky. There is nothing wrong with you, other than low self-esteem, which Gary has caused. It's time you started enjoying life with your sons and found happiness again.
I'm sending healing hugs your way for the boys and yourself, and of course, much love.
xoxoxo

jana6827
Becky, I hope the boys get well soon. You must be worn out with taking care of them and worrying. Do take them to the doctor. That's an awfully high temp. Try to get some rest so you don't catch whatever it is, too. Though it's probably too late.

Honey, he needs to move out so you can have the peace you need to think clearly. You said it yourself that he's only thinking of himself and how he feels -- the same as always. Were you just supposed to forget everything that went before and be all lovey dovey because he SAID he was changed? What does the counselor say? Hugs.

catusannie
Jana is right on the nose! This is NOT your fault. I would love to tell you to make Gary move out. That is the only way you are going to heal and get your self-esteem back. I KNOW from experience what he is doing and how you feel - that's why I'm on my second marriage!!!!!

doctortyper
Oh, gosh, Becky; you sound SO much like me! One of the reasons I have not confronted Bo is that I have SO much anger at him for the things he has done and said over the years.
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!! Don't let him manipulate you this way. He has twisted it all around in an attempt to switch the blame to you; HE HAS NOT CHANGED! Other than to change his tactics to throw you off guard. Don't let him get away with it. Until he accepts responsibility for what he has done, you have NO chance of making this work. And he is NOT doing that by trying to force you to accept the blame.

LynneC
Gary hasn't changed one bit.

Here's to hoping you and the little guys get better soon!

liltiger
He hasn't changed and no it's not your fault. he has some big problems

ken2007
Don't you dare let him make you think any les of yourself..you ARE a great woman and a wonderful mom too! hope the boys and you feel better soon!! I am proud of you and have been for a long time now..you keep doing what you are doing..full steam ahead girl! This is his way of leaving you to believe that you cannot do without him..well guess what? he is WRONG! now kick him out and get yourself back!
a husband is supposed to need a WIFE not a MOM!!! God gave us girls balls too..so use them!!
love ya

barbra2
What about a sepreration?? Could you live with your parents for a while with the kids?? (too bad if he doesn't like it) Only then will you have a chance to heal, and can he show whether or not he's really changed. Otherwise, it is unlikely either of you will heal or change -- or it will take a long, long time.

starfish
Hope the children and you feel better soon! No fun especailly with the extra stress on the side :( You are in my prayers. HUGS

malosi
I'm sorry things are hard for you hun...I'm pulling for you and I hope things turn around for you soon.

2wicked
hi hon,
i hope the boys are feeling better, 105 temp is really serious,
dont you dare let gary manipulate you ...i am so glad you are wise to his head games now.yes he is trying to change his tactics, but it always was and always will be about how he feels, he can pretend for a little while ,but then it comes back to all about him,what he wants, what he feels,
just keep on outsmarting him,
you and the boys will be ok,
special hugs,
joyce

bijoca
oh thoughts and prayers for you and the boys hope the boys feel better soon
just be careful this is not your fault,yes you are hurt but you are entitled to be hurt from what he has done to you
thoughts and prayers
hugssssssssss
gerri

gjones
I just love that you have so many wonderful people ==SEE ABOVE== who care about you and offer such wise support in the moments you doubt yourself. You inspire that b/c of the woman you are.

Finally
hope things r getting better for u..n also pray the boys r better..hang in there n take care of yourself n the boys lov ya

msa160
Becky you are entitled to your feelings regardless what they may be. It really sounds as if you and Gary should live apart at this point. If you haven't already I strongly suggest you find a good therapist just for you. This way you can have someone to talk to and hopefully help you do what is best for you and your children. I want to reepat one more time....... I REALLY FEEL THAT GARY SHOULD MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE SOONER THE BETTER!!!!!!!

cat6961
I hope the boys have a quick recovery, nothing worse than seeing your children under the weather. You handled that pretty nicely. That use to be a major emergency for me, I didn't care I would go to the ER in the middle of the night. I learned not to panic after a few times. You did good. Continue to handle your little one with tender loving care. You have done a good job. Hopefully, you don't catch it, so you take it easy and remember that your feelings are your feelings & no one can tell you how to feel. You are free to feel, so do so with no regrets. Take care of your self & God bless you.

jasw4914