ErnestE's Journal

      First I will thank my LORD and SAVIOUR Jesus Christ for good night's sleep. Although I slept fine last night, my mood has changed very little. The depression is still strong and getting stronger. The desire to go back to bed is all but overwhelming. Through strength that will come from God, I will not miss church tonight. Even if I must stay in bed for the rest of the day. I will set my alarm to give me enough time to grab a shower and something to eat before heading out. It has been years since a depression episode has been continuous as it has for the past five days. I never did make the call to my counselor yesterday, and to tell the truth, I have a sarcastic attitude about calling him anyway. When I call, more than likely they will start hounding me about the bill from my last visit, and right now I don't have the money. I made the call and got static over the money that I owe them. They said that the counselor would call me later. Right now I don't intend to answer when he calls. So maybe I will follow my thought and just go back to bed. When I sleep I am not dealing with this ****. I know it will still be there after I wake up, but for an hour or so I won't have to deal with it. I am headed back to bed right now, sleeping is preferable to crying. I did get a little sleep, but my mood is still the same. My counselor did call just moments ago. I guess that I am S.O.L. until I get caught up with billing. It doesn't matter right now I am too depressed and tired to care if I take another breath. If that STINKING blood donation is the cause of this ****, I will find someway to kick myself. I was able to eat and get a shower. Now if I can get the strength to drive to church tonight I will be good. My counselor did call me back as he said he would, not sure if it was from caring or just trying to save his career should I do something "stupid". Who knows, and frankly I don't care. In another thirty minutes or so I will leave for church. God only knows if I can get there, but I am going to try. If I don't make it, I will be home with Christ long before 911 can be called, and that brings a little bit of joy to my sorrowful Spirit. I was hoping to get to chat with Jamie before church, but it doesn't look like it will happen. I won't disturb her, because her and her family are most likely packing. Maybe we can chat after church tonight. Even the thrill of meeting Jamie in couple of months or so is being affected by this crap. I have about forty minutes or so until I leave for church tonight. Hopefully I will find some peace and closure tonight. I have about fifteen minutes so before I need to leave, but I am going to leave now, so I can take my time. More later...

       I left all of the pain and depression at church tonight. GLORY!!!!! The devil has no power over this child of God tonight. Jamie and I talked tonight from the church until I arrived home. So with me leaving all the pain that I carried for since Friday on that stage at CornerStone this night couldn't be more this night couldn't be more perfect. I am going to bring this journal to an end early. Even though I was set free from all that garbage tonight, but the phsyical tiredness is calling me to bed.
 

      Another BEAUTIFUL day come in east Tennessee. I have been going non stop since Friday. I know better than to push myself like this. So I think will devote this day to Bible study and rest, oh and chatting, . Right now, a break is badly needed, lol... The break was longer than I anticipated, I basically forgot to eat and my sugar level crashed. So a few hours have passed and supper is over. I came back to the computer just in time. Jamie is online. So the night is improving. I thought when I went to eat supper and grab a shower that I was going to a Republican party meeting tonight. I checked our local community calender for tonight and that meeting isn't be held tonight. So I will be here tonight, hopefully I will speak with Jamie later this evening. As the day for the move gets closer, it gets harder to contain my excitement about meeting her. I am still getting static about traveling so far to meet this lady, but I don't care. I believe with all my heart that she is a born-again child of the living God. This is the most important thing of all. The list of things we share is far too long to list. Some of the things we share crushes my heart that I would share with anyone. It hurts far more that I share these things with someone that I have come to care so much for, but I know God has a purpose for it all. Even though Jamie has assured me that I can't not screw up this relationship, that fear is still there. To lose such a wonderful friend, is unthinkable. The thought that a single word or action could destroy what we have built, is unbearable. Even though Jamie assures me from everytime I mention this that it won't happen, the fear is still there. So maybe that fear is healthy for me.

     My mood took a nose dive about an hour ago. I knew that it was too good to last. Now I find myself fighting some of the things that I want to do when the depression comes on this strong. The list includes deleting my account, among other things but this too, shall pass. I am sorta surprised that the good mood lasted as long as it did. Times like this really GRIPES MY COOKIES. After almost thirty years of living with depression one would think I would be accustomed to this by now? I guess their are some things that one never grows accustomed to. Even though the thoughts don't come as often as they once did, sometime I simply get tired of living, tired of knowing that depression will be apart of me as long as I live. Tired of the medication, tired of knowing that I can't sleep without it. Somedays, just sick of being sick. Sick of the hydro and the **** headaches. Tired of ******** and griping about ******** and griping. Times like this I want to shut out everyone and everything. I would LOVE to crawl in a hole and seal it shut. If not for Jamie, I may have very well have deleted my account tonight. My mood is improving, slowly. DEAR GOD!!! I HATE this CRAP!! When she returns to the chat I will ask her to read this. This is the first time since we started talking that I will have admitted to her and all on DS about feeling this bad. Sometime I regret completing that goal of being open and honest. I don't like sharing this part of me with anyone. I WOULD LOVE to go to bed right now, and just shut everyone and everything out and cry myself to sleep. Right now I am chatting with a DS friend and she is basically keeping me from giving up and going to bed. My mood is improving ever so slowly. I have taken my sleeping meds so I may not get to chat with Jamie tonight. 

     Well it is time for me to shut down for the night....