tired
Im really struggling on this whole recovery thing. i don' even know if u can call it a recovery thing. i am just 30 …
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I have done it I called the thearpist, but the only issue now is that I have to tell hubby that I have made the appointment and that I am going back to thearpy. it has been 2 yrs since I have gone to thearpy and i should have gone back sooner. It took all I had to call but i had to get something done, it seems that the kids are really really getting on my nerves here lately, it almost feels as though my medication isn't working anymore, and there are times it takes all i have to not just totally beat the crap out of my kids. I know most of the time they are just being normal kids and that is no reason to fly off the handle at them, and i have gotten better at resisting the urge to yell, but i can feel the anger and rage inside me and that used to not happen and i don't understand why it is happening and i have to get this issue fixed b4 i do something stupid. I know this probably will sound twisted to you all but do you remember when that mom in TX killed her 5 children by drowning them all in a bathtub? well at the time i thought she had to be crazy and how could a mom do that to her kids, well now after having 2 of my own children and suffering from PPD myself, and knowing how it feels to constatnly having all of the household responsibilities and the childcare responsibilities on you, how alone and helpless it feels. How it feels that not only is your life hopeless it;s like you're ruining the lives of your children and that you can't provide a good life for them,,,, i can totally understand how and why she would feel the need to end her suffering. Not that I am anywhere near doing anything to harm my children don't take it that way, but there i times when i wonder how i got myself into this mess, don't get me wrong, my children are a blessing and I am very thankful for them, but, still sometimes I wonder if i would be in this mess if things were different and i didn't have them, not that I am blaming them by any means.... just sometimes you wonder where you would be if things were different... oh well no sence dwelling in the past there is nothing i can do to go back and make thing different. I just have to face the future and know that I am in control of my own destiny. I have to keep my eyes on the prize and realize that life's road is full of obsticals that are put there to make me a stronger person. I will get through this, i have to I don't have other options, my family depends on me and my success at school and my getting a good job so we can finally get off Medicade and food stamps and maybe, just maybe own our own home and be able to afford things.... I can dream can't I
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Yes you can dream! But remember that life is more than owning your own home... Life is about relationships and especially with your kids. I am glad you're going to go to therapy. I hope he/she has some good suggestions for you and I think it's always a good step as long as you have a good therapist.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. It's hard to ruin the lives of your children unless you go out of your way to do so. I hope that soon the pressure will be off of you and you can enjoy your family again. That's the point, right?! Your life would be so empty without those little buddies in your life. I hope that you can soon go back to thinking that the mother in Texas was wrong - I mean, I see what you mean that you can empathize by what we assume she was feeling but maybe not. You, being sane, are seeking the help you need. She, being insane did the unthinkable. So, I'm not sure that you should compare yourself or your feelings to her. You're right, there is no going back to make things different. Your family is a gift, and it is my prayer for you, that soon you'll feel better and be able to see that even with all their faults, your hubby and kids are YOURS. And for better or worse, in the grand scheme of things, are worth everything you've been going through.
I know how hard you have it. I hope things change for your hubby - that he gets an opportunity to have a new trade/career/job. I imagine he must feel a little down too. It's hard to get motivated in that state.
Just remember: Everything is temporary. This time in your life will someday be faded away. One day you'll turn around and the kids will be nearly self-sufficient... out with friends or at jobs...and you'll wonder where the time went. But maybe you'll enjoy them more when they are more grown. My prayer for you is that you get the help you need, get grounded again, and to feel better so that you can enjoy this season in your life, even while the road is bumpy. Hang on and I admire you for taking the steps to receive help. And remember the kiddos might be more testy and trying for you right now because they might be acting out because of what they feel from you two. Just love 'em. Take care of yourself and love 'em, and you won't ruin them. :o) HUGS
Trying2BeBetter
Listen up woman.. we are all in charge of our own destiny and you are taking a positive step to achieving your own inner peace. I am so proud of you to do this... with the amount of pressures you are under, it's no wonder that you are feeling some of the things that you are. And no matter what anyone says, kids pick on on EVERYTHING!!! even what isn't being said. You helping yourself will benefit them as well, and later they will thank you for it. I'm 42 years old, and people don't believe me when i say that i NEVER EVER heard my parents fight. It's the Gods honest truth, and they lived so happily for 54 years together until my mom passed in Jan/07. People these days don't want to work at anything, and just prefer to take the easy way out.... as i said, i'm so very proud of you. I'm behind you 200%! Lots of hugs and kisses, girlfriend. Deb :0)
Debbie66