Susan9608's Journal

This is my first time to this website. I'm so upset and confused and hurt and involved with my own problems that I haven't even had a chance to look at anyone else's entries (sorry.)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We had a very rocky first year of marriage, but then things smoothed out. We've actually been trying to have a baby for 16 months; this Friday was supposed to be are first appointment to explore the possibility of IVF.

This has been a difficult year. I've changed jobs to a very stressful PICU position. His mother was diagnosed with breast cancer with metastasis to the liver and the lungs; chemo has only a 10% chance of putting her into complete remission. My husband is struggling with starting up his first band. And then there's the infertility thing.

I kept a journal during the first year we were married, and since we had some horrible fights, most of my journal entries were horrible. My husband found it, right before Christmas, and read it. It made him very, very sad.

Since then, things have been different between us. More distant. We've always been so close, but there was this horrible distance. He finally told me about it, and said he didn't feel like we had a connection anymore. I tried to work on it, and it seemed like things were getting better. We were still talking about babies.

Then yesterday, he said he wants to move out for awhile to think things over. He feel like we have no connection, and because of that, he feels like he's not in love with me. He said I have to know that I've always loved him more than he loves me. He said that he doesn't really want to try to make me happy, and that maybe he was never in love with me. He said he can't confine in me.

I don't know what to do. He said maybe he'll realize how much he misses me and loves me while he's gone, but what if he doesn't? What if he never comes back?

I love him so. He's my best friend. He's my family. For 5 years, he's been the first person I've thought of from the moment I woke up and the last thing I've thought of before i went to sleep. My ever action and thought and word was always done with him in mind.

How do I get over him? HOw can I bear to have him leave, even for a little while? How can I ever trust anyone again?

And who will love me now? Who will comfort me when I have a bad day? Who will tell me I"m pretty? Who will hold my hand and take me to the movies?

And how do you manage when you're separated? How do we pay the bills and manage the house and all of those things?

What do I do?

I just love him so much. HOw can he not love me?