emerald59's Journal

When the dust settled and the raging argument ended with me telling my roommate to get fuck out of my house, she left and stole almost all of my partner's bondage equipment and our toys. She stole all my pots and pans, my iron, the cleaning supplies.....all the things that i used. Not her.

But she is finally gone. And Mark sees the truth, finally.

I feel validated, because now he knows all the passive/aggressive behaviour that she has used to torment me and drive me to the edge.

She also knew that her family and friends would not come if she just called, so she kept pushing the limits until I finally.....finally.....let go verbally on her. She should kneel and thank God that I didn't beat her till she didn't move anymore.

I have never committed violence against others,expecially not stone cold sober and in my right mind, so to speak. I have always taken my hurt, anger and emotional pain out on my flesh. I had passed that point and was consumed with the desire to stomp a mudhole in her and walk it dry, as we say down here.

What hurt me the most was the pain and tears that she caused Mark by her consistent deception and blatant laziness and lies.

For the first time, we are alone together in our apartment and I am having to clean out the goddawful mess that was her room for the last year. Then we will set that room up so that I can begin to paint again. :::tears welling up at the thought:::. I have struggled hard to pull myself out of the darkness and I am finally to the point where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and this time it is not a speeding locomotive.

I saw my doctor today and we had a good session. Next week Mark will go with me. My family is being supportive, and my piecework that I do for my brother has expanded and I will be able to supplement our income.

I have also quit smoking......FINALLY. It has been 3 days since my last cigarette. I am using the patch, but I know I will be able to finish the course without someone sneaking to smoke inside my house where I cannot escape the smell. I do miss the hand to mouth action, but have began to draw again, and to crochet and work with my hands.

I am thankful tonite. I am grateful that the dead weight that has been draining us emtionally, financially and physically is finally gone. I bow my knees and thank God.

I am hoping to achieve something much better with my life and with the talent God gave me.

Thank you to all who have stood by me. I hope to help someone else if I can. My burn is being taken care of and i am working on my therapy goals again.