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emerald59’s Profile

  • Image of emerald59

    About Me

    I am 48 years old. I am an artist, writer and musician. I am still in individual therapy once a week and have not been in the hospital in over 3 years now. I've been receiving treatment since 1983 for DID and PTSD. I have made much progress in my treatment but still have those days that are hard. But I keep learning and piecing the puzzle together and it does get better. I have hope.

    Interests

    I am passionate about art and music. I am a long time fan of Dark Shadows from the 60's. My favorite medium of art is acrylic painting, but I also use oils, pastels, chalks, pen, pencil, watercolors and photo shopping overlays. I play acoustic guitar, mostly soft rock and folk music.

  • Recent Activity

    September 22

  • Journal

    • Thallium Stress Test today

      Mood July 14, 2008 7:17am

      i'm getting ready to go for a Thallium stress test this morning.  It's been a while since I had one and I'm not looking forward to …

    • Cleaning up the refuse

      Mood July 9, 2008 8:33pm

      I've been working hard to clean up the mess left behind by hazel. Most of the garbage has been picked up except her bed, and that is by the …

    • My home is now my refuge

      Mood July 3, 2008 7:54pm

      When the dust settled and the raging argument ended with me telling my roommate to get fuck out of my house, she left and stole almost all of my …

    • My home has become an unsafe place

      Mood June 30, 2008 12:01pm

      The proverbial crap has hit the fan and in the process I may not only lose my partner but my place to live as well.

      I had a thallium stress test …

    • Journal Entry for June 29, 2008

      Mood June 29, 2008 12:29am

      i burned my arm this morning at 6:15 a.m. I held the lighter to my arm and watched it sizzle and bubble.

      It seemed the lesser of two evils at the …

    Read Journal

  • Hugbook

    Give emerald59 a hug

    • Hug

      From Puff32 August 22

      Just wanted to know how you are doing? **HUGS**

    • Hug

      From LittleChildLost July 28

      Wanted to let you know taking back my life will be shutting but you can join our new group here http://dailystrength.org/groups/su...

    • Hug

      From Puff32 July 21

      I know your not online,but I just wanted to give you a hug!! I hope you have a good day!! **HUGs**, Gayne

    • Hug

      From Puff32 July 19

      Wanted to give yiu a hug AND WISH THE BEST FOR YOU!!! ((HUGS)),Gayne

    • Hug

      From Puff32 July 18

      Thanks for the flowers Emerald ,their greatly appreciated! So is the affirmation!So your day is going how? Sorry Im so sleep deprived! How's your wound coming along,any better at all? I sure hope so!! ((HUGS)) Gayne

    Read Hugbook

  • Photos

  • Goals

    Keep my Doctor appts.

    Progress

    80 %

    Goal End Date is Apr 21, 08 168 days ago.

  • Support Groups

    • Close Multiple Personalities

      I've been in treatment for DID and PTSD for the last 6 years. I am mostly integrated down to a small core of 5. Most of the walls are transparent now but occasionally have murky opaque days, when stress mounts and I don't take care of myself properly. We used to be a Collective of 14. I am an adult survivor of sexual child abuse. Also diagnosed w/paranoid schizophrenia in 1983 after my hospitalization in a State facility, following my 1st marriage to violent alcoholic. 38 times inpatient since.

      Treatments

      Writing Working / Worked
      I have a journal that I began when I accepted the fact that I was fragmented. It is called "The Collective jounal". I still have letters, poems, etc., from years ago, written by my alters. This helps me to have a forum for the alters to 'vent' and find ways to work together. Like a round table discussion. It is helping me to piece together and de-fuse the really big triggers.

    • Close Sexual Abuse

      I am an adult survivor of sexual abuse. Many years of abuse, rape and torture. I am a survivor.

      Treatments

      Art Working / Worked
      It is a great medium for working out the visceral feelings associated with the abuse and the long-term effects.
      Group Therapy Working / Worked
      I found support in years of daily therapy and being able to finally talk about all the years of silence about it.
      Leave Working / Worked
      I fled from my first husband, even fleeing the state because there were no stalking laws here back then. If I had not left I would have been killed. My husband tortured me sexually and physically and mentally. He was also a pedophile who was not content to just abuse me as an adult, but because he knew I was abused as a child he used that information coupled with torture to nearly destroy me. He is now in prison for murder and I have been free of him since 1984.
      Music Working / Worked
      Listening to music and playing my guitar has been a balm and aid not only to me but to others with whom I share it. Because in pouring out myself in music reaches others and in turn helps me to heal.
      Talking Working / Worked
      I've found that talking about it has helped me to realize that for years I have judged that small child with an adult mind, punishing myself, until I learned I was not alone and found solace in helping others come through their own pain.
      \"The Courage To Heal\" Somewhat Helpful
      I started working on this with a counselor back in 1991, but didn't get to finish. My second husband found my list of abusers and became violent, destroying my journals, artwork and the book. I finally got free of him 3 1/2 years later. I would be interested in finding that book again.

    • Open Self-Injury

      I began s.i.v. at the age of 8 years old.Anger was not acceptable in my home, so i stuffed it till it became clear that pain squelched the anger. As i got older, the injuries became more serious. And hidden beneath my clothes. Many reasons for it,not enough characters to tell them all here. i still have the urge but don't act on it as often anymore.

      Treatments

      Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
      Spent years in daily therapy. Sometimes it helped, but there were so many other issues that at times I was told I was "too sick for group therapy" and that I was frightening the other patients.
      Outpatient Treatment Program Somewhat Helpful
      Being held accountable by a group of peers helped, but seemed for me only to treat the symptom and not the root.
      Psychotherapy Working / Worked
      I am still in weekly sessions with my doctor. It does help a tremendous amount, especially when I get to the root of what is causing the triggers.
      Rubber Bands Not Working
      it was too benign. It seemed almost laughable, because it only spurred me to do more.
      Talking Working / Worked
      At times this is the best option. But only if I don't let the anger escalate too far.

  • Friends

  • Snapshot

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