inrecovery's Journal

Journal Entry for February 12, 2007 Mood

Monday, February 12, 2007

Will there ever come a day in my life when I don't have to struggle and fight for what is mine? I know the struggle is what makes us strong, but I am weary of being strong! I'm tired of my own secrets and tired of the past clinging so tightly to my future. I feel angry and hurt and confused and frustrated. I feel defeated by my own secrets and yet I cannot bring myself to share them and let them go. Why do I sabatoge my own healing?! Why do I cling to this martyr complex, as if my problems are so much bigger than anyone else's? Or why do I hide my secrets as if they are too big to share- that they are insignificant compared to what others have gone through? I don't even know why I hide them! I am very confused!

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Comments

you don't need to hide them and they are not insignificant. i was very hurt and confused and i had some bad secrets. it helped me just to say it outloud to a friend who would listen. after awhile, you don't feel crazy anymore and you slowly learn to take care of yourself.

stills
OMG I do the same thing sometimes.
Ever since I got this apartment I keep telling myself 'Everyone is different, but essentially, everyone is the same. I think degrees of pain are felt equally among humans, I just think the complexity and substance of the feelings are what are unique b/c we all have diff life experiences and memories.
I know how you feel about being scared to share secrets. Scared of what people will think. Be choosy of your friends. Choose ones who are non-judgemental and understanding and let go, one feeling at a time. After one, you'll be ready for the next, then the next... it will become easier. If you can't bring yourself to tell others; write them down... be your own scientist and no matter how embarrassing or painful the feeling or secret is, there's always a way to work it out.

rachelfedersel