Jakobsmommyalways's Journal

So, Jason and I went to Myrtle Beach Friday.  We spent the weekend there.  It was ok. but I had a few of the couples there ask if we had any children.  I told them we Has a son, Jakob who passed away in sept.  and another miracle on the way.  They immediately stopped talking.  It kinda bothered me that they didnt want to talk about my son because he passed away.  Just because he is in Heaven does not mean he wasnt here.  It doesnt mean that I dont want to talk about my baby.  He was amazing, perfect.  He was my son and HE WAS HERE, HE DID LIVE.  I understand people dont know what to say, but saying nothing is like saying oh, he's gone, we better not talk about him.  So what if it makes me cry, it's ok to cry, to grieve.  And I am a mother, just because my son is not here, does not mean I am not a mommy anymore.  If you have a child for 10 years and they passed away, would you still be a mommy?  Just because I am pregnant does not make me a "soon to be" mommy, I am a mommy now, to an Angel, what an honor.  It is not an easy life, but it is my life now.  Mothersday was not any easier.  I woke up crying.  Jason and I went downstairs to pack up the car to come home and see Jakob and I was outside just crying.  I got so ANGRY.  There were people loading up their cars, bikers from bike week.  They were looking at me like I was crazy becasue I was crying, shaking.  I think they figured it out, I think they heard me talk to Jason.  I said, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FORGIVE SOMEONE IF THEY ARE NOT EVEN SORRY?  THEY ARE AT HOME WITH THEIR KIDS RIGHT NOW HAVING A BLAST, AND MINE IS NOT HERE BECAUSE OF THEM AND THEY DONT EVEN CARE!!".  At that point they went inside and left us alone.  I have found myself being so ANGRY lately.  I want to talk to those doctors, I want to make them cry, I want to tell them the magnitude of what they have done, give them each a picture of Jakob and have them look at it everyday, then go to work and do their damn jobs.  I felt so lost on Mothers Day, how do I celebrate being a mother without my son, My Jakob?  I felt so alone, everyone around here had their kids, and got cards, flowers, home made cards, I got another day of overwhelming grief, I was jelouse.  God, In the name if Jesus give me the strength to forgive, give me the understanding of things I do not understand so I am able to forgive.  Open the doctors eyes that saw Jakob.  Show them the hurt, the pain they have caused our family.  Remind them of my baby, put his face in their head, everytime they close their eyes, let them see what I have to see.  Give each of them the vision I see.  Let my bab Jakob's death be a constant reminder to them that they can not ignore illness, they have people's lives in their hands.  And God Please place the right judge in our path for this court case.  Prepare the judge's heart for our case, soften his/her heart, open his/her eyes to the truth and in the mean time, give me patience and the ability to hand these things that are too big for me, over to you.

Jakob,

10 months old yesterday baby boy.  I bet you would be walking already, you were too smart and quick to learn for your own good.  Mommy misses you more than I could ever put into words.  Mommy needs to see you Jakob, please please please come see me in my dreams, no nightmares, a good dream, a visit.  No matter what happens along the way, I will not give up on this case, I will not let your death be in vain and will make sure that something good comes out of this.  Some knowledge to the doctors, whatever is in my power to do.  I know mommy cries a lot, it's just because I miss you being in my arms baby, I miss being your mommy and you being my son.  I am not sad for you, I know you are in the perfect place, mommy is sad for herself, I know it is selfish for me to want you back, that is the mommy in me.  I am elated for you, but so lost here without you.  I am angry a lot, and i am sorry if you can see that, but I know you know more than I now, and understand why I am angry.  I love you bubby, and I will be there soon, a lifetime on earth is but a heartbeat in Heaven, I will be there before you notice me gone. 

-   Mommy