Jakobsmommyalways's Journal

So, suprise, Jason's family tried to start in on their crap again.  His biological father/sisters...  I finally told her  exactly how they have made me feel for the past three years, in the nicest way possible.  It felt good to tell them how much hurt/pain they have caused me.  Weather or not they care, I dunno, but I feel better for saying it.  And have put that all behind me.  I love my husband's family, I just dont have time for their bull anymore.  Neither of us do. 

Jason and I are doing great.  He is really getting excited about Dylan.  And has gone out of his way lately to make me feel loved/special.  Just the little things, the kisses, snuggles, I love you's.  We're getting back to us again.  As much us as we're going to be now.  It's kind of a new us, a stronger us.  It's good.

He will be getting promoted soon, again!  Sgt. Richardson here in the next few months.  Woo-hoo.  And we should have some of our bills paid off soon! 

Dylan is getting huge, he kicked me so hard earlier, it hurt.  Like, made me yell, OUCH!!  without even thinking about it...  He should be at least 3lbs now, and about 17' long..  We have 10 weeks left, so he can arrive anytime after five more without me worrying about him being too small!

I am terrified.  It is so hard to trust everything will be ok, when it should have been ok with Jakob.  I trusted, and he should still be here.  I know your not supposed to live in fear, but hell, you wake up to find your infant son dead and then tell me not to be afraid...ya know?  It doesnt matter how much you try to prepare yourself for bad things to happen in life, you will NEVER be prepared for that one.  And will NEVER be ok afterwords.  You will be in in the sence that you will make it, but NOTHING will ever be the same, and the innocence of being pregnant, or being a new mother is non-exhistant.  At that point it is one of the most terrifying things you will ever go through...aside from the loss, and nightmare you just went through.  I have all of the latest technology.  The video monitor, that plugs into the TV, the motion monitor that alarms if they stop breathing for 20 seconds or more.  He will have an apnea monitor from the hospital, and I am still terrified.  I think it is partially knowing as much as I try to control things, NOTHING is in my control anymore.  And total loss of control is terrifying.  And now being so educated on SIDS.  Even though he didnt pass of SIDS.  I know there is nothing you can do to prevent/fix it.  I have ladies I talk to who were holding their babies, who were awake when they died.  One minute they are fuessy looking at you, the next minute they are gone, and you cant get them back.  No one but God can.  And I dont understand Him anymore...  Never really did, but now moreso than ever.  He could have brought my Jakob back, and He didnt.  And I am not so much angry about that anymore, but I dont understand.....  I never will...  Reality is a scary place to live, expecially when your reality is most people's worst nightmare...

Please be in deep prayer for us.  Our whole family.  We will all be in pin's and needles for a while after Dylan gets here.  Taking sleeping shifts..ect.  It will be a very trying time for all of us.  I am sure in some ways patients and understanding will wear thin some days...but we have to stick together.  We will all need eachother, as we have this past year... 

On a good note, I am excited about Dylan.  Terrified, but so excited.  I am so in love with him already.  I know Dylan will do big things for God, BIG things...I just hope and pray he's here to do them, and doesnt have to go to Heaven to do those big things... 

I miss my Jakob so much.  I am so bored most days.  I lay in bed wondering how insane it would be to have a 15 month old and to be 30 weeks pregnant.  How amazingly insane it would be!  I still cry every day.  I still have dreams, some good, some bad.  I am not grieving any less or any easier than I was a year ago.  I just kind of know how to do it now.  I dont feel so crazy now.  My Jakob was, is and always will be my life.  I will make sure from now until I die to keep his memory alive through me.  I will never let it die, I cant...it would kill me. 

Thank you all so much.  All of you who have been here.  When I needed you most. And even on the days I didnt need you so much, you were still there and I am so blessed for that. 

Here is the link.  Please let me know if it works.

http://www.onetruemedia.com/shared?p=7015d402dec98c8aa12687&skin_id=701&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=text_url