hopefulldreams's Journal

I gave birth to a bueatiful little girl who we named Amanda Michelle Opalka she was 4 lbs 10 ounces and 18 inches long on August 3rd 2007. The horrible thing about all of this is she was a still born baby! I went into my doctors appiontment as scheduled and the nurse was unable to find her heart beat. The doctor then came into the room and we went into an ultrasound room he said to me I am unable to get a good picture of the heart so we are gonna do a better one wait here. Right then I knew something was wrong my heart was pounding and I was VERY scared. We went into the other room and they looked at the heart and I saw it not beating I was hoping and praying that it wasn't the heart that I was seeing standing there motionless but then they had me hold my breath and there was a flat line. I was shocked mortified and motionless. My docotor told me my worst nightmare my baby was gone. How could that be she was 100% fine a week ago at the ultrasound. What happened? Why my baby?? Next I had to go home and get ready to go up to the hospital to get endosed. I had to go home and tell my husband the worst news I could have ever imagioned!! This was his angel too and to tell him I killed her where are the words??? My wonderful sister Lora took me to the appiontment with my daughter and her best friend Phoebe so I thank god they were there. How do I exsplain to my 3 year old daughter her baby sister she was so excited for was gone??? My heart has been shattered into a million pieces and a million more!!! I have never felt so hopeless, alone, scared, confused and gulity in my whole life!!! We get home Katie stays with Lora I go pack for Katie, go in her room lie on her bed and cry so hard I thaught my chest was going to exsploed! Trying to figure out how to tell Mike we had to go to the hospital and I had to deliver our dead child ?! I am so greatful that Lora ran into Mike on his way home and ended up telling him what had happened! After a small number of things we had to do we go to the hospital. I don't remeber how or when we got there it is all a blur all I kept seeing was the nonbeating heart and the words "we can't find a heart beat." All the way there I was hoping and praying that it was a mistake or a bad dream and we would get there and it would be a miricle she would be fine and 100% okay!! I still hope and pray everyday it is just a dream my baby is safe inside me waiting to be born. We started the endosing and my mom and dad came down and stayed with us and all the family was involved. I have had so much love and support threw this it has been amazing. My contractions started slow and hit really hard really fast!!! I went from a dialation of 3 to 10 and giving birth to her in about 15 minutes. All I remember is screaming for an epidural and waiting for the guy to come up. The next hing I remeber was screaming "I have to push I can't stop myself" The nurses and doctors were telling me not to push and my body was making me I COULDN'T STOP!!! I was screaming "HELP ME I CAN'T STOP" Then they told me it was alright I guess and I deliverd her. After she was born at 6:04 am the cleaned her up I got to hold her and I passed out. We all got to hold her and talk to her and say our goodbyes. We had her in the room with us from the time she was born until 5 pm that night. I held her almost all day and told her how sorry I was I couldn't protect her and I loves her so very much and she will be part of our life FOREVER!!! Saying goodbye was the hardest thing Mike and I will ever have to do!! The hospital was great we got pictures, her clothes, her booties,her blanket,hand prints and foot prints. The nurses doctors and everyone there was GREAT!!! I have been dealing as good as can be exspected and got some piece because how above and beyond the hospital went!!! For thoose of you wondering what cause Amanda Michelles death it was the embilicalcord that she spun into and strangled herself. She was a healthy and very active baby that didn't like to sit still I just wish that someway somehow I could have known what was going on. If I could have just made her stop moving and reached in and braught her back I would have in a second. All I hope is that it was painless and quick. Amanda Michelle Opalka mommy daddy and sissy miss you soo much and think about your sweet face everyday!!! You have made or family stronger in many ways !! We love you sweet baby girl!!!!