Starlight1286's Journal

I just got back from the ceremony. Afterwards people got food; I didn't feel like going, but Amanda wanted to and I didn't want to keep her from it, so I went. I just didn't eat. We ended up sitting with Ryan and Elissa. It was fine, I like Elissa, I just didn't really feel like seeing Ryan. I'm kind of mad at him today and didn't really want to be with him. Besides that, I'm depressed anyway so I don't feel like being out.

I didn't fake it tonight mostly. I didn't feel like talking much, so I didn't, and I didn't try to make myself look happy. I know I've hit a low point when I stop trying to hide it. Really, I just feel like crap and the last thing I want to do is expend extra energy trying to conceal that. I need all the energy I can conserve. I think Ryan could tell something was wrong. I asked Amanda if I was blantantly upset, and she said she thought I was (but she also knew ahead of time), that if she was my boyfriend she'd be thinking "something's wrong, I must have done something."

I feel kind of bad because that wasn't the intention, I just didn't try to hide things as much as I could. At the same time, I like it that he seemed to notice. I don't expect people to know I'm upset or why if I don't tell them, I don't think that's fair, but it's still nice when someone does notice on their own. I just don't know what I'll say if he asks me about it. Really, I don't know what I want right now. I got scared and annoyed by the situation last night, so today I'm angry because I realized this might not work, meaning I'll get hurt so I better start getting over it/distancing myself. Being angry makes it easier to like someone less. It's not an approach I mean to take, it just happens in self-preservation. I'd be kind of angry with him anyway, but not the same way I am now. On top of that I'm depressed so I'm bound to act upset. What's difficult now is that I don't feel like seeing or talking to him, but if I don't I know this can't get figured out. Maybe in a day or two it'll be better and I'll at least want to talk. Right now I'm just not interested.

I wish I could cry, but I'm just sad and apathetic. I hate when my depression comes this way, but I can never decide which is worse - the calm and apathetic sadness or the desperate feel-like-I'll-never-stop-crying sadness. I guess I just wish I never had either. I need a new doctor and new medication I think, although I doubt that new medication will help beyond a few months - none of them do. I'm so tired of this. I want to cut because there's nothing else I can do. I feel like I just want to die, not kill myself, just go to sleep and naturally happen to not wake up.