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Things are ok. It's taking a lot of effort, but I'm still doing better. My parents are finally talking about California with me, and for the past week it looks like it will actually happen. I hope it does.
I wrote to Ryan three times in the last week. The conversations got progressively better. Now I decided to cool it and see if he writes to me - I kept initiating it, and I don't want to be bothering him if he isn't interested. It's been two days without hearing from him. It's sad. Not that I need to talk to him all the time, but I wish he wanted to talk to me. I guess I still just really wish something would work out, but more and more I'm thinking it won't. If there were any chance, I'm pretty sure I'd be hearing from him.
I'm kind of sad today, but I don't know why. I'm really tired, too. Maybe I'll just go to sleep soon and hope I wake up better. I really hope this isn't me slipping back down.
I just IMed Ben. We haven't talked in a few weeks. I miss having him as a friend. It's hard seeing someone change so much, having someone so close just slip away. Maybe I'll tell him I miss him. I don't know that I should, but I'm in the kind of mood where I might just say it anyway.
I'm doing better the last few days. I keep hoping it lasts. If for the next two weeks it's consistent, then LA is an open topic for the fall.
On a separate note, I want Ryan back. I'm hopefully going to CA in a couple weeks to see some friends, and I want to try to see him while I'm there and see if anything can happen. Am I being completely foolish?
I hate going to work; I dread it the way I used to dread school before college. I tried to express that to my parents, feeling like I just can't go anymore, I'd rather find something to do at home. They just get angry at me for "not trying" because to them it doesn't make sense that there's nothing I want to do, that there's no resolution to the things I'm saying, so it must mean I'm just not trying. They don't understand that that's exactly my problem - I feel exactly the way I'm saying, and there is no clear resolution to it. Instead of helping they get angry. I cry and they tell me we'll figure it out and to go to bed. They essentially kick me out of their room - they're asking me to leave because they can't deal with it. My mom tells me it's not worth crying over. All this just makes me cry more because I'm hurting so badly and they don't understand or sympathize. I'm trying to open up about it all and ask for help, but I'm just shot down and discouraged constantly. I just wish they understood.
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