LunarAngel's Journal

Hey Everyone!

It feels like ages since I've been on DS. I miss all my friends here dearly. I wanted to give a brief (lol yeah right) update and explain why I haven't been here.

In my last journal I told ya'll about the passing of my grandmother on my dad's side. Most of the time when I'm talking about my grandmother I'm referring to my mom's mother who pretty much raised me. She lived across the street from my grammer school. She kept me everyday after school and during the summer when I was growing up. She was the one who taught me how to ride a bike, swim, etc. She means more to me then life itself. My mother has always been very unstable. She is bipolar and does not take her medication like she should. Throughout my life I've been more of a mother to my mom then she was to me. Thank God for my grandmother being there for me or I don't think I would have turned out to be the person I am today. I'm not trying to stroke my ego, but my grandmother raised me to be a caring, and loving person. Without her I would probably be insane...having delt with my crazy and mean mother all my life.

Ok...having said that...2 years ago my grandmother lost her memory and ever since her health has been failing fast. She doesn't have dementia per say, but lost her memory due to a medication she used to take. She used to have good days, but as time goes on..the good days are few and far in between. She had been at home living with my grandfather who is mostly blind. He took care of her 24 hours a day. My mother would come every other day or so and do things he couldn't do like bring groceries or give her a bath. He can't see to wash her up properly and my grandmother can't do much on her own anymore. I would help as much as I could as well, but my mother and grandfather were the primary care givers of my grandmother.

My grandfather has always been a very stern, stubborn and sometimes downright jerk. He's also been very hard on my mother throughout her life. I tend to blame him for my mom's mental troubles. He sure didn't help them. He is always very mentally abusive to my mother. She takes it because she doesn't know any different. Well, 2 years of constant abuse has recently led to what I call a nervous breakdown for my mother. She can no longer care for my grandparents because of this and the abuse from my grandfather. Here's where I come in.

I've had to take over everything. My grandmother was put in a nursing home recently. When she was at home the only time she would get out of bed would be to eat or bathe. And if she had a choice in the matter she wouldn't get up at all. She has many serious health problems in addition to her memory loss. One of them being congestive heart failure. Being in bed so much can cause so many more problems for her and make her other health problems worth. My grandfather is 78 years old and can no longer care for her. Honestly I don't know how he did it for as long as he did. If I lived in a bigger place I would have gladly taken my grandmother in. But we decided that a nursing home would give my grandmother the better care she needs. Recently my grandmother was given 6 to 12 months to live. That devestated us all.

She's at the best nursing home in the area. I hate her being there, but know that it's for the best. She gets better care, daily physical therapy and hopefully if she keeps improving, maybe one day she will be able to go back home. That's our goal.

Long story short, this is why I haven't been around. I have hardly anytime to myself as it is, let alone have time to get online. I miss DS so much and all of you here. But having to care for my grandparents by myself keeps me very busy. Physically my pain has gotten slightly better since I've been doing more and getting stronger. I still have pain every minute of everyday, but I'm learning more and more each day on how to deal with pain and still do the things I need to do.

Emotionally I'm a mess, but that's to be expected. I'm stretched very thin and on top of being a caregiver to my grandparents, I also am trying to help my mother through all this. It's a daily struggle and sometimes I think I'm going to lose my mind, but I'm trying to best I can to keep it together. It's not easy, but neither is life.

I will try to keep everyone up to date on what is going on, and it's also good for me to get my thoughts together and vent. I'm going to look back on all of this one day and it's going to be good to see what I went through.

Thank you all for reading this rambling mess...I appreciate you all so much. I know many of you have been in a situation close to mine. I would love any advice, tips, anything...This is my first close up nursing home experience. Any help at all is greatly appreciated. I hope you are all doing well and hope we can all catch up soon!

Love you all,

Jessica