allison13's Journal

And this is how my bipolar works. yeah i guess i'm doing ok as far as drugs go, but my head can still be a mess. i'm always switching meds and that’s a pain in my ass. and i seem to have this weird bipolar (at least that’s what my docs say which is why no one wants to treat me) where when i'm triggered (and that can happen in a second by anyone or anything), my depression/mania will happen 80 million times until my head decides to switch back to normal gear. my depression doesn't last for months, it lasts for seconds. my mania doesn’t last for months, it lasts for only hours. i go thru both ends of the spectrum like i said, a million times until the trigger runs its course. altho at times one of those (mania or depression) will be the dominant underlying everyday feeling. does any of this make sense? so like if me and my boyfriend fight and he says something crazy that sets me off, my head switches back and forth... a couple minutes sobbing hysterical, the next minute crazy laughing feeling like i'm on top of the world and NOTHING can hurt me!.... next minute so full of rage i turn into a crazy monster who cant stop  throwing things and breaking them, then back to laughing then back to sobbing hysterically. all within the course of an hour. when i feel a trigger coming on (sort of like a siezure) i have a small window of opportunity to calm myself down. if i cant, my mind goes full speed and takes me on this crazy roller coaster of emotional insanity. and god help those in my path. it runs its course sometimes lasting hours, sometimes just minutes. sometimes days....even weeks....and the thing is, I could go minutes without being triggered….. I could go hours. I could go days I could even go weeks …. Its hard to tell when something is going to trigger me. I mean there are some general ones tht I try to stay away from. But then there are those that just happen. One second I’m fine, I’m "normal"… the next second my mind starts to pick up speed. In stead of my mind being at ease, taking a stroll thru the park, it picks up its pace, almost like we’re jogging. And before I know it, I’m running… I’m sprinting. My mind is going so fast… its legs, my legs, are moving so fast they can’t slow down.

every thought or feeling is interrupted by the next thought or feeling. i hate that i get this way. and depending on the meds, depends on how far apart my triggers are. fuck.