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Johnny's moving mighty fast all of a sudden.....I think tonight might prove to be interesting.
Daniel didn't come home on the school bus like I told him to......now I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. Let's see.......if you're rude to the supplier, you don't get any supplies. Sounds appropriate to me. I just won't cater to him anymore. If he calls me to pick him up or get him to school or wash his clothes and shoes or bring him food or give him cigarettes......I WON'T.
I stood up to Daniel last night, for being disrespectful to me. I'm very proud of myself, but hurt at the same time. Hurt because he chose to stay with his Daddy after I told him I wouldn't allow him to disrespect me anymore. It kills me that only 2 yrs ago, he led the church in prayer, and now he's so full of pride, it don't seem to bother his conscience anymore how he treats people.
I tried to wake up Johnny to talk to him about it last night, but I guess he was so tired, he didn't budge, so left I him alone. I intended to tell him about it this morning when he kissed me goodbye, but he didn't do that this morning. I wonder what I've done now. I refuse to play his games. I'm pretty angry right now. He won't answer his cell. I guess he hasn't turned it on yet. I want to tell him how I feel before this feeling changes. Oh well, maybe it's not possible right now, because I shouldn't. I look at everything that happens now as a God thing. So I'll read my meditations and devotionals and maybe I'll feel differently, and try and call him again.
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When we accept all the circumstances that we can't control, we are more peaceful.
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Johnny just called me. I guess he turned on his phone and saw I had tried to call him. I told him I tired to wake him up last night, but he must have been pretty tired. I told him I stood up to Daniel last night for being disrespectful to me, and that now I have lost him because he decided to come and get his things today and stay with Ron. The tears came as I was telling Johnny that. I told him I had hoped to talk to him this morning when he told me goodbye, but didn't wake up until he was pulling out of the driveway, and would like to know what I've done now that he didn't tell me goodbye. He said, "I did." I said, "No, Johnny, you didn't." I swear, it don't bother him a bit to lie. I'm not going to let it bother me today, nor will I let Daniel's choice bother me. I will continue to love and care for me, Johnny, and the boys to the best of my ability, and whatever they choose to do with the love I'm able to give them is their business.
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Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity - clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get that from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forego what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.
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When we understand ourselves better, we can move beyond the past and walk toward the future with surer, safer steps.
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Spiritual growth is the result of coming face to face with our own situation, feeling the brunt of our own puzzlement, recognizing no recipe will apply completely, and then trusting our Higher Power as we make unsure responses.
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I can't build my life and recovery on always trying to please others. My road to success is pleasing my Higher Power.
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The only thing I wish I had done differently in handling Daniel's disrespect last night, was I wish I hadn't let anger control my words. I will apologize for that but stick to my guns with him today.
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Dear Lord, help me do my part to bring peace to my family--even when You ask me to lay down my pride and be vulnerable. Help me to trust in Your ability to somehow form a family. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
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I heard Johnny in the kitchen this morning, and I went in there and stood behind him and hugged him. I layed back down on the sofa and he gave me a kiss before he left for work, then we exchanged lingering hand-hugging. I will ask him this evening if it's ok for me to come and lay in his bed during the night if I don't bother him.
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Ok, now it's this evening, and all of a sudden I'm wondering if I need to protect myself, in case he's only being loving because he wants sex. I wonder how he could have been so hateful to me not even a month ago, and now he has decided he loves me again? So, I won't ask about sleeping in his bed.....I'll just continue like I'm doing until I have my answer.
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I think it is fair to say that not even a month ago YOU had little respect for yourself, but your thought processes about yourself have changed, and so too as a consequence has your environment. YOU are attracting to yourself what YOU desire via your own efforts to improve yourself in those desired areas, YOU are doing something right for a change, and being noticed positively for doing so.
Give yourself a pat on the back, YOU are deserving, YOU are doing a great job in resurrecting yourself, YOU are to be admired, YOU are proving that YOU are never too old to change your ways for the better.
As for questioning Johnny's motives, unless YOU ask him the question yourself then YOU are highlighting what YOU desire rather than what he desires, and I think in all honesty YOU know this to be the actual fact, so stop using him to hide behind when revealing your own wants or needs because YOU have nothing to be ashamed of for revealing yourself in this way.
Your self improvement continues to be noted, and not just by ME, YOU are doing well, continue to look ahead because your past is fast becoming just that, most unwanted, and hooray for that.
Daniel could have been killed last night. After I took him back to his Daddy's shop, there was an attempted robbery there. The guys had guns and they had their faces covered. One of them threw something and hit Daniel with it. Thank God nobody was hurt and the police caught the robbers and locked them up. Daniel called me this morning after I stopped journaling and asked me to come and take him to school. I told him I want him on the bus this evening. If he don't get on it, I'll go to the shop and get him.
SherrollW