I am --ing not --ing happy …
I am fucking not fucking happy fine fucking not right at all right now and I don't know what the fucking hell to do …
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I can feel the life draining from me. It's taking too long for the damn meds to work, if they even will work. Everyday is becoming harder and harder to deal. I've made a list of all the things that bother me everyday, no matter what I say, do, think, it always comes back to these thoughts.
My husband doesn't love me. It's killing me every minute I don't hear him say he loves me. He hasn't said he loves me in over 6 months. If he even does anymore...probably not. Why am I still with him? I don't know anymore. I do love him and I still want him. Maybe I should give up like he did and let him move on.
I can't have anymore children. I've had a tubal after my last child. I wish I never got it. I want to have more children and that will never happen, again.
I have no friends. No life other than the one at home. I never get to go out and have a good time. I never go to the movies. Nothing. I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING!!!!
THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE! THIS IS NOT MY LIFE! IT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING LIFE, IT'S HELL! IT'S HELL AND IT WON'T STOP! WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS GOD DAMN SUFFERING!!! WHAT DID I FUCKING DO!!! WHAT DID I DO????? FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?????
WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL???? WHY CAN'T I LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND BE HAPPY??????? I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING HAPPY!!!!! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOD! THERE IS NOTHING!!! GOD IS A FUCKING FIGMENT OF PEOPLES IMAGINATION TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN! THE BIBLE IS A FUCKING JOKE, GOD IS A JOKE, I AM A JOKE! NO HIGHER BEING WOULD EVER CAUSE THIS MUCH SUFFERING!! EVER!!! GOD ISN'T REAL!!!!
STOP THE FUCKING SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!! I WANT IT TO GET OUT!!! I WANT THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD TO JUST BLOW UP AND TAKE IT ALL AWAY! MAKE IT ALL JUST GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hey Sweety, you are going through a real bad time and everything seems pointless. Don't let this illness take over your life. It is difficult, I know all too well. But please give yourself the selfworth that you deserve and grab life for all it is worth. Even if it is small steps for now. Put yourself in situations that are comfortable for you. Find things that you can do with your kids...that won't upset you or make you tense.
Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe the weight of this illness is affecting him. Sometimes "I" fill my own head with my worse fears and feed them until I am going crazy. Only you know all the details of your life. These are just my thoughts. If any of them help you...that would be great."WE" all suffer differently. But we all have a common bond..we need each other to work out each distressful moment. I, myself am very grateful for the people on DS...I finally have communication & support in my life. Thank God for that! I hope you have calmed down since you have written this post. Big Hugs for you Sweety
Moonshowers
Moonshowers gave you some sage advice. What you're feeling is just that - feelings. They *will* change. You just need to figure out how to get through today. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.
morgainev
you are totally not alone and i know what its like to go thru some of the things you are. dont give up, if you do you give up on your children, thats my number 1 that keeps me alive.
chrystalbellered
How are you today???
Moonshowers