CYates's Journal

I'm so tired of feeling like I walk on glass shards.  Everything I do is wrong, the way I do it is wrong, breathing is wrong.

I try and try and try and try and I can never make anyone happy.  Not even myself.  I love my family, but I hate myself.  I hate how I look, I hate how I dress, I hate everything about myself.  I can't change no matter what I do.  I have a hard time working, because I can't concentrate and any little bit of critisim, whether it's constructive or not makes me cry.  Medication doesn't work, I feel so artifical on it.  Exercise doesn't work, because I can't muster up the energy to do it.  Thinking positively is short-lived and then everything comes crashing down on me.

I want it to be over, I want my pain to be gone, the physical and emotional.  I'm cornered and my back is against the wall.  I can't live like this anymore.  The voices have become overwhelming.  I'm a sorry loser who can't even keep myself together long enough to get things done.  I'm a horrible mother, a horrible wife, a sucky worker.

Nobody needs me.  I do nothing but cause a rift in everyone else's life.  My husband is so unhappy with me, he wants to split up, just so he can be happy again.  I tried to make it okay between us.  I got the job he wanted me to get, I clean the house and take care of our sons.  It's not enough, he wants more from me.  I don't know what else to give him.  He wants everything, but me.  I can't deal anymore.

Life as I know it for me is over.  I just want to pack up all my belongings and run away.  Better than killing myself right?  Or is it?  Leave everyone and everything behind.  Change my name, my setting.  If they don't want me, why am I here?  Maybe Derek can find a new woman to make him happy and when he says to jump, she'll say how high?  Maybe Derek will find a new person to love that won't be as fucked up as I am, and is normal.  I have no hope anymore.  It's all dried out as of now. 

I'm so numb, I can't smile or even think straight.  I'm tired of trying for everyone's approval.  I just want it to be over today.  So I'm going to pray that as I drive home tonight, that someone will crash into my car and kill me, slowly.  Make me suffer for all the burdens and pain and hurt I've caused to everyone I love.  I don't care where my soul returns to after all this, as long as it's not here.