CYates's Journal

I can feel the life draining from me.  It's taking too long for the damn meds to work, if they even will work.  Everyday is becoming harder and harder to deal.  I've made a list of all the things that bother me everyday, no matter what I say, do, think, it always comes back to these thoughts.

My husband doesn't love me.  It's killing me every minute I don't hear him say he loves me.  He hasn't said he loves me in over 6 months.  If he even does anymore...probably not.  Why am I still with him?  I don't know anymore.  I do love him and I still want him.  Maybe I should give up like he did and let him move on.

I can't have anymore children.  I've had a tubal after my last child.  I wish I never got it.  I want to have more children and that will never happen, again.

I have no friends.  No life other than the one at home.  I never get to go out and have a good time.  I never go to the movies.  Nothing.  I NEVER HAVE ANYTHING!!!!

THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING BE!  THIS IS NOT MY LIFE! IT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING LIFE, IT'S HELL!  IT'S HELL AND IT WON'T STOP!  WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS GOD DAMN SUFFERING!!!  WHAT DID I FUCKING DO!!!  WHAT DID I DO?????  FUCKING TELL ME WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?????

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL???? WHY CAN'T I LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND BE HAPPY???????  I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING HAPPY!!!!!   THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GOD!  THERE IS NOTHING!!!  GOD IS A FUCKING FIGMENT OF PEOPLES IMAGINATION TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BELIEVE WHEN THEY HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN!  THE BIBLE IS A FUCKING JOKE, GOD IS A JOKE, I AM A JOKE!  NO HIGHER BEING WOULD EVER CAUSE THIS MUCH SUFFERING!! EVER!!!  GOD ISN'T REAL!!!!

STOP THE FUCKING SCREAMING IN MY HEAD!!!  I WANT IT TO GET OUT!!! I WANT THIS WHOLE GOD DAMN WORLD TO JUST BLOW UP AND TAKE IT ALL AWAY!  MAKE IT ALL JUST GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so tired of feeling like I walk on glass shards.  Everything I do is wrong, the way I do it is wrong, breathing is wrong.

I try and try and try and try and I can never make anyone happy.  Not even myself.  I love my family, but I hate myself.  I hate how I look, I hate how I dress, I hate everything about myself.  I can't change no matter what I do.  I have a hard time working, because I can't concentrate and any little bit of critisim, whether it's constructive or not makes me cry.  Medication doesn't work, I feel so artifical on it.  Exercise doesn't work, because I can't muster up the energy to do it.  Thinking positively is short-lived and then everything comes crashing down on me.

I want it to be over, I want my pain to be gone, the physical and emotional.  I'm cornered and my back is against the wall.  I can't live like this anymore.  The voices have become overwhelming.  I'm a sorry loser who can't even keep myself together long enough to get things done.  I'm a horrible mother, a horrible wife, a sucky worker.

Nobody needs me.  I do nothing but cause a rift in everyone else's life.  My husband is so unhappy with me, he wants to split up, just so he can be happy again.  I tried to make it okay between us.  I got the job he wanted me to get, I clean the house and take care of our sons.  It's not enough, he wants more from me.  I don't know what else to give him.  He wants everything, but me.  I can't deal anymore.

Life as I know it for me is over.  I just want to pack up all my belongings and run away.  Better than killing myself right?  Or is it?  Leave everyone and everything behind.  Change my name, my setting.  If they don't want me, why am I here?  Maybe Derek can find a new woman to make him happy and when he says to jump, she'll say how high?  Maybe Derek will find a new person to love that won't be as fucked up as I am, and is normal.  I have no hope anymore.  It's all dried out as of now. 

I'm so numb, I can't smile or even think straight.  I'm tired of trying for everyone's approval.  I just want it to be over today.  So I'm going to pray that as I drive home tonight, that someone will crash into my car and kill me, slowly.  Make me suffer for all the burdens and pain and hurt I've caused to everyone I love.  I don't care where my soul returns to after all this, as long as it's not here.