zissa's Journal

My 34 years on this Earth.

My childhood was filled with love, happiness and security. I basked in the love and attention of my parents and famiy and that I am thankful for. My high school and early college years were also filled with adventure and I got to meet and have great friends who to this day I still keep in touch with. Late college I got pregnant to a man who was my first love. Got married and thought my life was going to be great. Sadly we grew apart and soon to be divorced. Looking back at those 14 years in bed while willing myself to sleep; gave me insight on my life. I now acknowledge that we got married too young. I was so immature and so idealistic. We grew apart and soon found out that we were not really meant to be together. There was really no one to blame, yes there was infidelity and physical and emotional abuse but I now know that that was due to us not being ourselves. Those 14 years were very difficult and I do not wish anyone to experience the pain and anguish that I experienced. Ironically during those years, my working life was the only thing that was right in life. Inspite of my career booming, I was so insecure, my self esteem was low, my wish not to disappoint my parents again (first time was getting pregnant out of wedlock) was one of the reasons that made me stay in an unfulfilling marriage. I am a grown woman and I know my parents will always love me but I have to live my life as best as I can.

The demise of my marriage opened my eyes to qualities that I possessed all along that I refused to see. I know I am

- a good person with a kind heart.

- a loving mother who would give anything for her son.

- that I am stronger than I thought I was.

- that I deserve to be happy.

- that I have to live my life for me and no one else.

- that I am scared and have a lot of fears and insecurities but this will not stop me from living.

- that I am someone who is capable of unconditional love.

- that I am honest, loyal and trustworthy.

- that I deserve to be loved and cherished the way that I love and cherish the person that I am with.

- that I am too much of a romantic for my own good.

- that I need to have fun.

- that I am naive and too idealistic for my own good but that is because I know that there is good in the world inspite of all the horrific things that happen in our day to day lives.

- that I need to be at peace with who I am.

My marriage is dead and soon it will be so on paper. Looking back, I have no regrets because I have my beautiful, kind, and lovely son and most importantly I have found the beginnings of the real ME.

T, I know that I truly loved you. You are in your own way a very intelligent, caring, creative, thoughtful, and good person. Thank you for the time that we spent together. You will always be in my heart.