somedaywriter's Journal

So there are two sides to my life right now. An amazing and almost perfect side, and a frustrating and very depressing side. The amazing side is this: I am so completely in love!!! I've never even fathomed being able to feel this way about someone before....and its perfect...except that he lives in Madison.....and I'm losing my mind not being able to see him....But we're working on that.

 The frustrating side...This semester went down the tubes just like last semester. Apparently I just was not ready for college or life alone 900 miles away from my friends and family. Last semester, two of my best friends stabbed me in the back. My boyfriend (for almost 4 years) at the time was someone my parents never would have accepted, and I felt it was best to keep him secret until I could make them understand. But these two friends decided, after having supported my relationship with him the entire time, to go ahead and tell my parents. Of course they told the twisted version of the story, because I dont generally like to spill every PRIVATE LITTLE DETAIL.  My parents freaked out, as I knew they would, and came to the conclusion that I had been brainwashed,and that the only solution was more visits to my therapist. That would have been fine. But here's the thing. My mother thought it best if she wedged herself into these therapy sessions with me. I was 18 years old, and my mom had my therapist wrapped around her finger....she had me signing waiver forms so she could sit in there with me and give input on the sessions.....Because how could I not sign? She is the woman who raised me....She had me in fucking tears every session. I could not make her understand, that the past 4 years, every time she saw me happy, it was because of him. Not my medication. It took me FOREVER just to get her to understand that in the very least, I was not in any danger. She had heard the words "Thirty-one" and "jail" and that was it. So by Christmas break, when the sessions had gotten increasingly worse, I had snapped. So I told Sean that I was sorry, and that it wasnt just because my parents didnt accept him, and that I still loved him, but that it was because I did not have the sanity to let my mother control me anymore. She was never going to let this go, and my heart couldnt take it anymore. While I'm saying this, most of me is also realizing, my dependency on Sean was the only thing holding our relationship together. Yes I did love him. But that was love that grew out of that dependency. Not true love. And that was not right. Unfortunately to add on to this Sean did not take the break-up well at all. He threatened suicide multiple times, he threatened to kill me multiple times, and by the time I was dating my current boyfriend, he still hadnt let up, and was even threatening to kill him. These were all empty threats of course, because the fact is he would never think of hurting me....and he knew that hurting Ken would hurt me...But it was all very painful....for all three of us. So when this semester started, even after the roughest 3 months of my life, I did everything I could to pick my ass up and start going to classes again. Start over, and at least finish a semester. I started of very well. I was quite proud of myself. My math teacher was my favorite professor - that in itself is a miracle. I do despise math...Ken came to visit the week of Valentine's day....that was the best week of my entire life...He even got me a diamond heart necklace and a stuffed puppy for Valentine's day....I'm pretty sure I about fell over when I saw them...That week was perfect. Except for the him having to go back home part. Still pissed about that. Not at him. But just at the cruelty of the situation. I'm like the soda machine and there's a kid with a quarter on a string.....Kid puts it in and I'm like YAY!! MONEY!! Then the kid yanks it back out. And I'm like. Wait...WTF??!!! NO!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!! THATS NOT FAIR!!! *throws major temper tantrum*

Anyways....so after he left I was slightly heartbroken. I've never clung tighter to my pillow then I did that night after his car drove away. Flooded my room with tears...went for a swim. Choked and gasped after I almost drowned myself. It was a rough night. But the next morning I threw on the shirt of his that he let me have and dragged myself to class. I did alright for a few weeks. Missed a couple days here and there, but I was still making it. Then I went home for Spring Break. I got very sick over spring break. That horrible flu virus. I've never coughed so much in my life. Not even when I had pneumonia in second grade. It was terrible. And I totally made it worse when I ran for a bus in 40 degree weather and screamed my guts out at a Dropkick Murphy's concert.....it was worth it. But. There ya go. When I got back I was still sick, and had lost all motivation to even bother with class....and it just built from there......My room is a pit....the longer I wait, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets the more I'm afraid to clean it....(There are so many goddamn spiders in this state....I HATE SPIDERS!!!) My computer got broken as well. I may have punched it and broken the hard drive...Ok yeah thats exactly what happened. I get frustrated. I have agression issues. Blah blah blah. I'm working on it. Anyways. So it took two weeks to get it fixed. My parents came down to visit for their spring break the second week of that. That was nice. Was a bit akward. Got to go see the Mercer House museum though. And the beach a few times. That was cool. Savannah history is awesome. Anyways. So I guess that pretty much puts me where I am now....except now I have to slowly work up the guts to crush my parents by explaining to them I failed my first year of college....and I'm looking at going to UW when I'm ready. I have an aunt that works there, and that means I'll have family in town.....plus Ken is up there. And its only a 6 hour drive from Indy, instead of 19. I'm still in love with Savannah, GA. But I'm not ready to live here alone and isolated. Maybe when I've gotten a good job (lawyer would be nice), married, settled down, etc etc. Then I'll be ready. Until then it should stay a vacation spot. Ken seemed to like it. Maybe we'll come back here together sometime. Oh did I mention I turned 19 on the 6th? Happy Birthday to me. :| 19 Is a weird age....its....just....a number. Its all milestoneless.....Oh well. Anyhow...I think I've covered everything. Time to actually try and sleep. Insomnia loves to mess with me. And it always seems to spur writing.....

Oh!!! I forgot!! My brother is getting married....she's a very nice girl and I think she's great for him and I'm happy for him etc etc. But a big chunk of me is baffled....The bitch in me was quite certain I'd be the first to get married...even if he is 4 years older than me...My only worry is she'll run into the side of him that I fear the most....And I'm not talking about his backside in his hole-covered boxers at 6 in the morning...(That's number two on the list.)