MermaidSinger's Journal

This letter is dedicated to the people at my high school who I am stuck on the merry go round of trying to please:

Dear FHS,

 Most of your probably don't even know who I am. And if you do, you're either a wonderful, loving friend, or you treat me with cruelty and disrespect. If you fall into the latter category, you have been satisfied up to this point knowing that you have total control over me. I let you un my life and dictate the decisions I make. I've bent over backwards trying desperately to please you only to have you turn up yoru nose and deem me unworthy of your time. For awhile, it worked. I developed an eating disorder in the hopes that being vulnerable and fragile would make you love me. I cut and hurt myself so you couldn't. I sacrificed everything just for your approval. But from this day on, I have made the effort to move on with my life.

    No longer will I starve myself with the illusion that you will suddenly care and love me. No more of my tears will be cried over the parties you don't invite me to or the pictures you take that I'm not in. Not again will I stay up all night crying without making a sound begging God if he could please just make you love me. Because the truth is, you're just as misguided as I am. You feel the same confusion and sadness and insecurities and frustration. You're just better at hiding it, and you're not folling me anymore. I see through you and no I don't see confident, snooty, perfect people who I;d give anythnig to befirend. I see sad, pitiful individuals who gain comfort and tranquility through manipulating and ignoring others. Before, you used to make me smile. Not, you make me sick.

     And my hope for you is that you grow up before it's too late. Before you drive off every potential great relationship because you think you're too good for it. Before you sabotage your chances at living a happy fulfilled life by filling it with aritficial facades and plastic smiles. Before you lose yourself forever.

     Now I know I may not be in the best shape. My body is exhausted. I have circles under my eyes, my iron levels are low, my hair is falling out. My bones show through, my nails are brittle, and I have Reynauds syndrome. My self esteem and confidence are in the toilet. My grip on what is worth it and what isn't is dangerously distorted. But despite all this, I'm still in better shape than you are. Because however screwed up my world may be, it's still mine and it's real. You can't say the same, because the entire world you lvie in is fake. Fake friends, fake relationships, fake emotions, a big fat fake life. And for that, I feel truly  sorry for you.

      So, go on, my loves, go on ignoring me and labeling me pathetic and hopeless. Because you can try to get around it, you can put your fingers in your ears and sing over it, you can look through it, but in the end, you can't escape it. You are living a lie and it will come back to haunt you. Until then, I will try to let go of the hurt that you have caused me. I will try to forgive you for the pain and suffering you put me through and could have stopped if only you had cared. I will never forget, but I will forgive.

   So try o do somethnig for me, okay? It may be too late for me, but the next time you see a girl so eagar to please you she'd kill herself, don't ignore her until she actually does. Love her for who she is, skinny or otherwise.

      Sincerely,

          Megan