MermaidSinger's Journal

Journal Entry for May 16, 2008 Mood

Friday, May 16, 2008 | A General Update story

Hey guys. First off I'd just like to thank you all so much for the support, your comments truly make me feel so much better all the time. It's always great just to have someone there, you know?

Any ways, I'm just so not sure of anything. I starved today, and I like it, obviously. I mean I know it's harmful and all, but at least when I'm starving I'm taking action and not just shoveling food into my mouth like a pig. I'm also petrified that I'll try to binge later tonight. If that happens I don't even know what I'll do to myself. I am far too large right now, and as soon I get back down to where I was ,maybe a little lower, I will have earned the privilidge to eat again. Right now I don't deserve to. I pray to God I can keep this up. I know that's not a good thing, but I rationalize my binges aren't healthy either. It can't be good to inhale food all day, sometimes eating up to 2000 calories a day. I hate hate HATE being normal weight. I feel kinda reluctant to share with you guys why I do what I do, because it's terrible. I've been uncovering the reasons through therapy, and I don't have justifications for this disorder like a dysfunctional family or whatever. To my knowledge, my starving is my way of crying for attention. I feel like if I hurt my body then maybe people will care about me and love me? I don't know. And of course, there's the feelings of control and self-acceptance that only come when I'm starving.

I am also really tired lately. I get out of school on June 18th, and I wish I could be more excited about it, but I'm just so blue lately. Another terrible, pathetic thing about me is that I oftentimes associate food with being happy, although, of course, when I eat, it doesn't bering the happiness I want to feel. I just somehow think that if I try to eat with my family and like not care about food then somehow I'm also defying my desire to be the most popular, because I won't have everybody's attention on me.

Love,

Megan

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Comments

I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult time with everything. It's not fun to have to deal with ED screaming in your ear every two seconds. It's stressful and only makes everything in your life more miserable. I hope you can normalize your eating patterns. I realize how tough it is to find that balance between eating too little and eating too much. I struggle with that a lot, too. I either eat very few calories to sustain energy or I take the different route and eat everything in sight.
Do you go to therapy or have someone to talk to when you're feeling like this? Do your friends know of your disorder? It's always so important and helpful to have a support system in your life.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. XOXO

Actress01
You know once you get your weight lower, you are just going to want to continue. I once felt like if I got to a certain weight I would eat more. Never happened. I just wanted to lose more weight. With ED it's never enough.
I too really don't have any justifications for ED. My family maybe disfunctional now, but when my ED first started my family was normal. I was never abused in any way either. Specialist don't believe me when I tell them this because alot of people with eds come from disfunction or abuse.

skinnygirl2525
Hey there
Im really sorry your going through this tough time. I know ED wont let you see it but Im glad your at a healthy weight. You need to try and take care of yourself. People care about you, period. Your family wants the best for you and they dont want their daughter to be sick. they want you to be a healthy young woman.

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