leo36's Journal

Hello again,

Last time I wrote I was on the road..... on the road to happiness, on the road to healthy outlook and esteem and on the road to loving my new life!!!!! I have stumbled a little and need some reassurance. This is going to be a long one so you might want to refresh your coffee:)

Ok, it has been 4 months since I have seperated from my husband. My kids are doing awesome- excelling in sports and my oldest is in counseling and loves it. They see their dad regularly and I would never stop them from seeing him. Ok, here is where it gets interesting or I guess frustrating depending how I am preceiving everyhting.... Which at times is really scewed.

My husband is off his meds for Bi-Polar and he is doing ok. So, was he or is he really bi polar or did I make him?? He is moving this week into a new home, all new furniture, he is palying softball and he even joined a coed team!  Ok, here is the rest of the story............

When we were together I did everyhting including sticking up for him, defending him and putting us in financial straits that I wont even go into. Sometimes I try to justify my actions and in our case I think I am ok in doing so. I asked him so many times to help me, I asked him so many times to play coed with me and he would start then quit going and he wouldnt even come to see me play. Now, He is playing and it bothers me..... The whole house and moving.... From the time I met my husband EVERYONE, including me has taken care of him. When we seperated I did everyhting on my own he never offered well he offered then cancelled on me. For the first month of our mutual seperation his family swooped in, gutted our home, took over finances including forging and finding my credit report, dictated to me what I deserved in terms of child support and his sister went along with my husband to the attorney's office of which his father set up the meeting. One on one with my husband- he is sad, lonely, miserable  and misses me terribly and then when he gets in front of people he is mister,"I am in control and you are not going to bring me down". One minute he talks to me without the slightest bit of respect and the next minute I am getting a text about how sorry he is. I was doing so well and now I find myself doubting everything I do and worrying about the future and worrying about my kids and paranoid about what people think of me and what I have done. When I first started out I didn't give a shit what people thought becuase I knew and that was enough now, I am soooo confused. The funny thing, we, my husband andd I havent even sat down and talked. Seriously, we go from hot to cold to texting but to sit face to face and talk about our future has never happened!  I want to feel ok with everyhting and I dont. I dont know how to get there. I believe in Karma,I believe in horoscopes and I believe in being patient and the truth will set me free but in the mean time it is so hard and is it true that it might be years before I am vindicated? He is 36 years old and his life is run by daddy. His dad does all of his finances, bought him all new furnoture, bought him this house because where he is moving doesn't allow renters and I am feeling lots of messed up feelings and I hate it. Some days I am on top of the world and others I feel so lonely and without a sole to walk this path with.. Are these normal feelings? I guess I am hurt too becuase I would have thought that if he trully wanted me back and trully cared for me like he says he does he would have tried by now. He would have asked me out, he would have wanted to play ball with me, he would send me a card or do something nice for me..... NOthing, In fact, according to him he has asked me to go out but I always had plans with my friends or going to the bar because,"that;s where I live" according to him. Here is the real version- He will call me at 6pm wanting to know what I am doing. He usually has the kids on the night he texts me and then when I tell him what I am doing he will respond with," I just wish once you would choose me and the boys over your frineds", he has never asked me out in advance and it is always the night that he is suppose to take the boys. Am I crazy????? The one other time he asked me out to dinner the night of he didnt have any money!!!!! I am hurt dammit. He hasn't tried at all and yet I still doubt that I did the right thing. I guess too I thought I would be having more fun or being asked out or whatever and it hasnt happened and  then I think- "you're crazy girl, you arent even  divorced or remotely close and you want to jump right back in????" Wake up!!!!!  There are moments when I reflect back on our years togehter and the months following our seperation and I could cry I get so angry... I was treated like the most disrespectful woman. I was violated by his family and by him. He thinks that being seperated and feeling lonely is enough to get back together. He even asked me the other day if we could have a "sex Night"~ I contemplated it!!!!! Am I crazy?????? Of course it never happened because he would turn into an asshole again and make me realize what an ass he is. The thing is, I realize as I am writing this, he has never had to take charge of anyhting his whole life. He has never had to work hard for anything his whole life and he is not interesed in fighting the fight of his life for me and I guess that is what I want. i want to be fought for, I want to feel like I am the only thing that matters I honestly believe that if I were dying or in a life or death situation, he would not be there. I feel like I have laid my life down for him, I feel like I have defended and cheered and fought like I have never fought before for him and in a week he turned it all around on me and made me look like the most deceiving, self centered person in his friends and familys eyes. I spent 20 years with him and his family and do you know I have not heard from one of them. His sisters professed how much they loved me and I was the best thing to ever happen to him and not one call, card nothing but all of them coming into my home and throwing stuff away and going with him to hte attorneys!!!!! I am angry, I know I should get into copunseling and I feel like I am the one with the mental illness and I only caused him to act the way he did and does...... Please help. I can take what ever you want to throw at me...