Shai's Journal

Journal Entry for January 5, 2008 Mood

Saturday, January 5, 2008

last night was EXTREMELY horrible! i was trying to get intimate with my fiance. keyword? TRYING. everything felt so...right. just like how everyone says ("you know when you know"). we were kissing and what-not...we got as far as taking some of ours clothes off even...

but that's when it stopped. i said i needed a "breather". YES, he stopped...i don't know what happened, though. i don't know what flashed through my mind. i didn't want to go any further, yet when he got off the bed to put his shirt back on...i felt...dirty. i felt like he was irritated...or that he didn't think i was attractive. which is really weird, now that i think about it. i stopped it, yet i had my feelings hurt because he put his shirt back on?

don't ask. i don't get it either. LoL...after that, i put my shorts back on, got up, and went into the bathroom...i kinda started crying...i tried to suck it up cuz i didn't want him to know. when i got into the room, i faced my back towards him...everything was all good, until i got...the sniffles.

he held me and asked what was wrong...OF COURSE, i said "nothing"...and that i had a stuffy nose (cuz i'm still kinda sick), but he saw right through that lie. "you started thinking about 'stuff' again?" right there, i full on started crying uncontrollably. he ALWAYS knows EXACTLY what's going on in my head...even when i can't even figure it out myself...

but, yeah...it was terrible...the good? he held me til i fell asleep (i pretty much cried myself to sleep, though)... =/

i'm not sure if this incident strengthened or weakened my relationship...i was SO embarassed about what happened...i still am.

UPDATED GOALS

Lose 20 lbs.

Progress 10%

Current Weight (Lbs)

135

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Comments

Don't feel bad. It is going to take some time to feel comfortable being intimate again. Your fiance sounds like a great guy and he loves you very much. Don't worry, everything will be o.k. :)I am sending you many hugs :)

skylark94560
I thought of something else, I know this is going to sound weird, and it is only a thought. I was thinking, once you are ready to try again , it might help if you are on top. This way you are the one in control and you can decide what you want to do or not do. I thought maybe if you were in the dominant position instead of your fiance that might make a difference. But I could be wrong...it is just a thought and I think whatever you feel comfortable with is fine. Take your time and don't worry. You have been through so much and you are doing wonderfully. You should be very proud of yourself and I am very proud of you too. :) Also, don't feel embarassed, the first time with a new partner is never smooth. It usually takes a while for things to mesh and come together. The first few times with my husband were not smooth, but we had a good sense of humor about it and eventually we found our rhythm, LOL. So don't worry. I am here for you :) Take care and talk to you soon :) Renee'

skylark94560
that doesn't sound too weird at all. i'm not sure if i'd be comfortable, though. i'm not comfortable with my body just yet...and for someone i like to see it...that thought is just...weird and crazy...

my only partners are my abusers...so it'd kind of strange for me to be with someone that isn't forcing me to do these things, you know?

well, it's nice and comforting to know that SOMEONE is proud of me. LoL. i'm still a little embarassed...it's one of those things...those little elementary things. i like him and i don't want him to see that i'm not good at everything. i want him to see me as "perfect"..."flawless"...

well, i don't know. i think that whole episode just whacked me back a few more months. LoL. i feel like the 40-year-old virgin when him and his girlfriend (the eBay lady) are bargaining about how many dates to have before they get intimate. LoL...

that's not too bad. if i've waited this long, i can wait forever!

Shai