BReese's Journal

Well, this is my first entry.....I am not exactly sure how to do this, but I will give it a shot.  I think I may have made things worse, today....Last night I could not sleep and I was a stupid wreck....I kept having these paranoid thoughts that my wife was with another man....completely unfounded, of course, but nevertheless, an overwhelming feeling I had.  I knew she was at her mother's and in bed, asleep, but this feeling kept me up until 1 am.  This was all due to the fact that she said she would call, but didn't.  I, like a dummy, wrote a shitty letter expressing how upset I was and quickly realized what a bad idea that was.....she was about to get bitched out for nothing....so I did the only sane thing I could think of.....I hacked her email password and deleted the email......!!!!!  Ok....now THAT was stupid.  Now, not only does she know that I wrote a bitch-out email, but also that I deleted it from her email (she knew, because I told her.....you cant just retrieve the password...you have to reset it.....so I had no choice but to be honest up front).  We spoke for a long time this morning about everything, but she just doesn't seem to budge.....she loves me, that much is certain, but she does not know if she wants to be with me.  She said that she is scared to come home....she said she is scared that things will just go back to the way they were before (her being depressed, with no job, no friends and no desire to go out and get these things....no matter how much i encourage her).  She said that I am her everything, but she is not sure that she loves herself when she is with me.  I do not know what to do.....I am having an unbelievable time controlling my actions concerning her (ie-calling her and writing her emails all of the time......and apparently breaking into her email acct.....lol).  I just have this overwhelming feeling of needing to tell her that I love her.  I know that I should let her come to me, but it seems impossibly hard.  This very journal entry is just to waste another 15 minutes.....so that I do not bug her.  Anyone else ever feel this?  I miss and love her so much and people keep telling me that if I want her......then I need to leave her be.  Seems bass-ackwards to me.  Anyways....I am gonna clean out the car to waste another half hour!  thanks for listening.