amber7280’s Profile

About Me

I am bipolar with schizoeffective disorder NOS and borderline personality disorder NOS. I have suffered from symptoms since I was a child but they have become quite severe as i get older. I am on my second marriage. I am desperately holding on, hoping that i can find some sort of treatment plan to balance out my daily living enough to save a marriage that i desperately want to save. My biggest issue is manic depression, extreme mood swings, uncontrollable actions and emotional breakdownon a daily basis. I am a very loving and compassionate person, but you would never know that considering the way my day to day life is in shambles. I know there has to be help out there somewhere. I have been to all the doctors, i have been on the meds, and i am still desperately searching for that magical moment when i will feel some sort of control in my life...I am so desperately tired of feeling alone in a room full of people. I am tired of running from every threat that arises in my life, and i am deathly afraid of what i am doing to my husband and our marriage. He doesn't understand bipolar issues at all. He is one the many who believe bipolar disorder is all in my mind, that i use medication as a crutch and that it's all in my mind and that i don't really need it. So I have a very hard time talking to him about it if he cannot even grasp the fact that this is an illness beyond my control. So what do we as women do, when our significant others do not even believe the severity of what we have to deal with on a daily basis? Just waking up in the morning is agony, not knowing today if you will be yourself or that"other person"?

Interests

I read a lot...when i can concentrate on the words without a thousand other things running through my mind. I like to draw, and i love to fish... I love children, I am the oldest of eight children, and i desperately want a child of my own. I have suffered through 3 miscarraiges now and my hope fades a little each time. But faith is about all i have left to hang onto...i desperately want to meet friends that understand that this is a serious illness that causes pain and confusion and frustration and above all a feeling of helplessness... I want to meet people who can share with that i am not alone and that will not put me down for something that is beyond my control, just lend a smile or a hug or an inspiration in some way...