Richeart's Journal

Not much happening here, spent Saturday reading my textbook, 3 1/3 chapters on the different theories: Existential, Person-centered, Gestalt, and Behavior therapy. Some interesting, some good, mainly tedious reading. I have to do it on the week end since I don't have enough time during the week. Gestalt looks promising for me, at least according to what I've read. I little more diagnosis in their scheme, encouraging, addressing the behaviors in the present: not so much addressing all the past. The behaviorists are much more goal-oriented. "What needs to be fixed? Okay, here's what you have to DO (not here's what you need to talk about)."

Personally, I'm in limbo at the moment. Could be the pills. I'm trying to decide if this studying is just another diversion from facing finding other work I need to live on, or whether it is a real future. My mood swings aren't as bad, and I'm less anxious, about life in general; but the main problem is still a meaningful life. Taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions instead of blaming it on my past. Staying in the present is a problem; I'm either thinking about the past or worrying about the future. The future thinking could be partly conditioned thinking since in construction you have to know what the next step is while you're working on today. How will today's work help me to finish tomorrow's work, until I'm finished. Everything is about finishing everything in the proper order. In my LIFE, I need to stick to what I'm doing today to effect my future.

The codependency SEEMS better, although it does seem to creep back in now and then. My attitude about trying to help without asking, the imaginning 'help', is often re-thought so I can refocus on myself rather than trying to guess what someone else may want or need. I'm being much more self-centered than ever before, with less guilt about what I want, or making imaginary 'deals' with people; "If I do this, 'They' will do that, of course" (They'll take the time to read my mind by my actions). In fact, they'll think I'm just being a 'nice' person, giving a gift. It's much more important for me to speak up about what I want instead of 'expecting' others to act as I act. The dreaded 'confrontation' and possibility of not having someone agree to 'give' me what I want. Definitely more practice needed there, definitely.

Time to get ready to go into town for 'Church'. I almost forgot, Big Family Reunioun August 9th in Houston. Even my brother will be there. My son and wife won't be going with me, they've other things to do.