Loved1's Journal

I heard from my ex this weekend and he said I'll never hear from him again, whatever.  I sort of let him have it.  He changed his number so I called back, not knowing who it was - well I actually did, I just was letting him know how do I know who this text is from?  He asked why I was mad he changed his #.  I said I don't trust him and I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth after he lead a double life and wanted me to believe his lies and how could he expect that wouldn't hurt me after he was my best friend and lover for so long.  He hung up and sent the text that I'll never hear from him again, whatever.  Oh and to have a wonderful life.  The next day he called and left a msg to say a mutual friend of ours died.  I called another friend and found out she'd been in a coma the last week.  I cried a little.  I hadn't been in touch with her.  She was pretty unstable but very sweet.  My ex said he'd let me know when her funeral service is.  He said he called because he knows I don't talk to anybody ever and he wanted me to know.  This is somewhat true.  So then why did he accuse me last week of telling people all kinds of gossip about him???  Lies lies lies?

I went to Al Anon yesterday.  I need to start focusing on me and my behavior and feelings - I'm not there yet.  I am focusing on him.  I talked to a friend about the disease of addiction.  For me I used to be a pothead, and the ex is a heroin addict, was in recovery when I met him, now he is back on the stuff he says.  I need to realize how dangerous and sick his lifestyle must be, and stay away.

Another woman from our AA meeting died this weekend too.  She had pancreatitis from what I understand and had trouble staying sober.  Really sad.

Last night the new guy sent me a copy of his resume to get feedback.  I sent him a bunch of suggestions and then played with it and rearranged it.  Anyway I don't think he took my suggestions seriously or read them and I didn't arrange things properly in the resume because I combined qualifications with the jobs and I didn't match them up correctly.  I ended up feeling bad about it.  I don't know.  He arranged one thing I suggested and asked me to play with it again and I said I didn't have anything to add other than the suggestions I already made and to combine the things I combined properly.  Anyway enough is enough.  I pointed out a couple grammar things and I didn't see them fixed and I just let it go this time.  Learning I don't have to fix people and situations (or needing to learn it).

Met with my independent study student yesterday.  He did some presentations and didn't quite hit the mark.  I scored him above what I probably should have because as his teacher I am also far from hitting the mark.  I tell my students if they give me a break I'll give him a break.  I think I miss mostly a good comprehension of the material and the assignments.  (I did get quite good reviews from my math class surveys :)  His midterms are this week - we'll see how he does.  I've decided I am just basically getting paid to learn classes I happen to be teaching.  This helps my attitude.  Also my friend praying with me yesterday helped a lot in having the right attitude before class - I always noticed if I didn't pray things didn't go well - I have to turn it all over to God.

I have an optional work meeting and I don't think I'll go even though I could use the one hour pay.  It's kind of hard to invest in a place when I don't know iif it s invested in me or not.  I saw a notice of new faculty search or something and part of me wonders if in 3 weeks after this class is over if I will not have another class - which is ok.  My parents will be in GREECE for a month and I'll have the place to myself, just me and doggie.  I need to do this job one day at a time because forever is too overwhelming.

I get to go to counseling, AA and Al Anon.  One thing about this independent study schedule is I do have a lot of time to do what I need to do - neat.

I went to a speakers meeting Sunday and the new guy met me there.  It was kind of hard for me to have him give me a little affection as we sat there.  He is confident, not arrogant, like my ex.  I am rather self conscious.  I wonder what people will think or if news will get around. I don't know.  I am really glad it is going as slow as it is.  I told him after our walk Sunday in a text "thank you for being a highlight in my day and my life".  He said it was sweet and I may need to get more going on with me (LOL).  I said "you could be right".  I said my life is lived today.  He is a good part of it.  He sends me sweet texts, too.  Anyway we'll see what tomorrow brings.  I can only live in today :)