ChrisB's Journal

 Well I'm happy today!  Honestly! 

It has been such a long road for me to get to the point of divorce that I never thought it would get here.

A few of my friends have already called and checked on me (I think they are all worried I'm going to have a breakdown).  Guess what I'M GREAT! 

-I think the reality of this marriage break-up I have lived for the past two years.

-I have went through the mental analysis of what was happening what it meant for my husband to leave and my kids to not have a live-in father.

-I went through the anquish of what was wrong with me what did I do to cause the breakup of my  marriage.

-I have already went through the period of being alone and feeling like no one would ever love me again. 

-I have had a relationship with someone that I did really care about who I thought could be someone more (but who wasn't interested in pursuing a more longer relationship with me) and feel thankful that person was in my life during a difficult period of time.

-I have been alone for the past eight months (with the exception of two or 3 dates) and have become accustomed to being comfortable in "my own skin" so to speak.

-I have been planning, reaching, growing and dreaming about my future (no so much a future with someone else, but a future where I am reaching goals I am setting).

-I have learned that so many people go through the painful process of breakups and divorce and that I'm not unique in anyway. 

-I have learned that I am a unique person (all on my own) and have a great deal to offer someone else but more importantly that I'm worth a great deal and that I deserve a relationship where someone loves me as much as much as I can love them.

-I have learned "And accepted" that nothing lasts forever.  This was the hardest lesson for me to learn.  Because I grew up with the Cleavers and the Nelson's and my parents in a world where parents stay together through thick and thin and dad doesn't leave (and yes I'm crying just a ltitle right now)  ok I'm crying a lot !

-But I'm going to be ok, Why... because I have ME, MYSELF AND I!  There is nothing else in life I need to be happy or succeed.

-I am learning that I can choose how I feel and how I think and maybe I can't always choose my emotions but I can accept them and move forward yes I've stopped crying honestly! 

Today I'm chaning my last name.  I'm going back to my maiden name.  I was originally going to keep it for my kids but they are older and to me my identity and relating who I am to my parents is so much more important to me spiritually then keeping the baggage of a name to a man who left me for another woman.

So I'm off to get divorced.  Then I'm driving 3 hours to the beach and while I'm only there to get rays till end of day and I'll be tired later when I come home).  I will have had time to relax, listen to the surf, be with my kids and realize that I have been me all along and that my identify with my EX was something I created.

Now it is time for me to live my life exactly as I want, exactly as God intended me to.