AngelofaHustler’s Profile

About Me

I have been suffering from Anxiety, Depression, and Bipolar Disorder for years but was not diagnosed with BD until December 2004. My depression escalated dramatically when my father died in 1996 when I was 19. I felt as if my life had shattered. He was my best friend and I felt I could tell him anything. We were very close. He and my mother had divorced and I was happy for it because I hated my mom and never got along with her. I still don't. She was always extremely jealous of the close relationship I had with my dad to the point where I ran away alot when I was a teenager because she would become manic (she has Bipolar, too) and I was afraid she'd kill me. My dad always told me "If you see the whites of your mom's eyes turn red, get the hell away! It means she's manic." It made my mom look as if she was possessed. My dad always knew where I was...at my grandparents' and I would always tell him I didn't want to come back until he left my mom but he tried to keep the family together so I had no choice but to come home since I was still a minor. There were times while I was gone that my mom would trash my bedroom. Posters I received as birthday presents from friends were shredded. My bedroom pretty much turned upside down. All the times my mom would blast the TV and stereo so loud, you could hear it clear as day over 2 blocks away from our house. I cannot tell you the number of times CPS and the police were called to our house because of my mom. The number of times I'd come to school with bruises and handprints on me from her until I grew big enough to fight back and believe me, I did. If my mom took a swing at me when I got older and even now, she got it right back because I am sick of being beaten by her and used as a punching bag. A couple of years after my dad died, my mom told me something that really pissed me off. She said "I had hoped your father would have kicked you out so I could have him back." because they were going through a divorce at the time and it was finalized only a few months before he died. I told her "Too bad! You never deserved him in the first place because all you ever did was bitch at him and beat us! I'm not the one who caused him to drink and caused his death. You are!" But to this day my mom and brother blame me for my dad's drinking, his death, and my parents' divorce, so I just stay away from them. Being 500 miles away from them isn't such a bad thing. I have not seen my family since April of 2007 and in truth, it does not bother me. My mom and I write letters all the time, and I email my brother and sister-in-law on rare occasions, but otherwise, I have my own life and they have theirs. I keep them updated on the custody investigation with my daughters and that's about it. My family will never acknowledge the fact that I am doing everything I can to turn my life around and be a good mother to my children. My diseases sometimes make me feel like I'm in a cage. I constantly have flashbacks of my past and it nearly drives me insane because I had a horrible childhood and have also been in some pretty bad and damaging relationships. My most recent relationship before my husband was the worst because I lost my daughters because of him. He was extremely controlling and abusive. He is back in WI where I'm from and I hope he burns in hell real soon for what he did to me and my children. I have a husband now and 2 beautiful little girls. To help express my emotions, I write songs and poetry. In September of '07, my youngest daughter had open-heart surgery to remove a defective muscle that formed in the right side of her heart. She was born with a great deal of problems...she is deaf, cannot speak, has a weak eye muscle that makes her left eye wander, was born with Congenital Heart Defects, and is missing part of her brain called the Corpus Collosum. My oldest was diagnosed with Central Processing Disorder a couple of years ago and has alot of emotional problems because of what she and her sister have been through in their young lives. The week of my youngest's open-heart surgery was a pure living hell. On top of seeing my baby girl hooked up to tubes and machines with a 6-inch-long incision down her chest and trying to breathe on her own, I had to endure my children's father trying everything in his power to have me kicked out of the hospital and thrown in jail just because he didn't want me there and hates me with a passion. He even threw a chair at me right in front of our daughter. If that weren't enough, while I was standing next to my daughter's hospital bed, I received the most horrible news a mother could hear about her child aside from death...that my oldest daughter had been raped and molested by her 16-year-old stepbrother. I felt as if my heart and soul had been ripped out of me, and I nearly collapsed. What made it even worse is that CPS believes my children's father and stepmother knew this was happening and yet did nothing to protect my daughter. CPS filed petitions to terminate Ted's and his wife's rights. During the trial, they could not see their children, but I could see my daughters under supervision. My daughters and their 2 half-siblings were placed in foster care. However, during court on February 1st, the judge dismissed CPS's petitions and returned the children to the custody of Ted and his wife with the enforced order that the abuser not be allowed near their home or the children. My heart sunk to the 7th circle of hell and I started crying. To this day I cannot believe the judge is so blind as to not see Ted and his wife do not protect those children or give a damn about them. I am still fighting to see my daughters because Ted won't let me and doesn't care that we have a court order saying I'm to be allowed to see them. He has already influenced my daughters into thinking I'm just a friend and not their real mother, and that his wife is their mother. And now we are going through a custody investigation which, God-willing, will be over soon because Asshole Ted lied to the court saying I was filing for custody of my daughters and I never did. So now Family Court has no idea what happened during the CPS trial and they are trying to find everything out. The investigator's report will become the new court order unless either me or Ted object to it. Then we will end up in court and the judge will decide.

Interests

I love to cook, write songs and poetry, spend as much time as I can with my daughters (when I can see them), do anything outdoors, go to flea markets, and watch my husband do tricks on his BMX bike (when he doesn't nearly kill himself. Stubborn man!) I also love motorcycles because my dad was a biker. I love Monster Jam, NASCAR, demo derbies, and Xtreme sports. I have 5 tattoos and want a couple more. I have 2 earrings in each ear and want to get my 3rd ones redone because the holes got infected awhile back and closed up. I love all kinds of music (especially hard rock and heavy metal) except opera and polkas, and some country.