34hope's Journal

I went to Christina's shower Saturday. It was the first time that I didn't feel pain but happiness. I remembered how excited I was to meet Aidan. I only concentrated on the good and didn't focus on John. John and I continue to talk more. It's a good thing. Although in my own way I pointed out that we do have some common interest. While going over our schedule we discussed the Ballet Gala and the Police concert. I really do get that we can't be together. He is not a happy person and he can not accept me for me. There is nothing wrong with me. I am a happy, smart, funny, kind, compassionate, loving person. If John didn't have some major problems we would have had a wonderful relationship. However, how can you have give and take when one person can't give. He couldn't give a compliment, couldn't give true love. etc. I don't know if I will find someone to be with and love. I read a Cosmo article on the 5 traits guys are looking for in a girl to marry. What crap. Why is always the girl trying to get the guy to marry her. Why do we need marriage or a boyfriend to be validated as a person? I know that I did enjoy wearing my wedding ring. I liked looking at it but it was a false sense of security. John never loved me the right way. Maybe he is different with Kelley. Maybe she is his soul mate. I don't know. However, it needs to be about me. I don't have a boyfriend but I do feel happy. May be one day a great guy will walk into my life. Maybe.