34hope's Journal

I know that Kelley is not coming until sometime in the winter. I don't have a specific month. I am trying to mentally prepare myself. I realized that Kelley may enroll her youngest in Aidan's daycare. Taylor could potentially be in Aidan's class. I really was hoping that I could ignore her as much as possible. I hope that they try to enroll Taylor in a daycare in Wilton. I don't know where Kelley is working and Aidan's daycare is far away from their home. I need to mentally prepare myself so that I can keep myself together. I guess I was living in a dream world where I wouldn't really have to interact with her. I will try to do that as much as possible.

  Well, I got most of my summer projects done. The porch is done!!! I got the three windows done and I scraped and washed the door. I'll paint it tomorrow. I hope my house passes inspection. I really need to finish this refinance.

 I really have got to get back on board with watching my weight. I feel awful. Oh well. All in due time.

I have been trying to deal with the fact that Kelley is moving here and that they are going to get married. I have constant thoughts about how screwed up this situation is. She is not liked by any of John's family or friends. She has given up her home, her family, maybe friends, and job to move here and be with John. I know John will attempt this marriage more than ours. He has convinced himself that he didn't love me and he loves Kelley. He will feel guilty about bringing the three girls here and maybe he will be happy. I think he has always wanted someone to boss him around and be a bitch. I always knew deep down that we were not right together. I just wanted it to be right. I wanted the dream so bad. I loved our home, Aidan is awesome. We had great friends just not love. I was miserable and John made it his business to make our life miserable. He has so many issues and he lacks compassion, empathy and kindness. I know that I will move on to better things it's just going to take time. Maybe when I find true happiness John's marriage wot Kelley will be falling apart. Maybe though, it will last forever. Maybe he will really be happy.

 I don't know what to do about AJ. He is nice but it's not right. I have now joined EHarmony and I'm getting so many matches. It's a bit overwhelming and I want to ignore it. I am still grieving the death of my marriage. I'm still angry with John. I've been lied to and cheated on. I know it's really over now. There was a period where John and I were getting along well and I just wanted him to try to come back. I wouldn't have gone back but honestly I might have slept with him just to see if it was over. It's really over now. John is evasive and different when Kelley is here. Our relationship is going to deteriorate to next to nothing. I am preparing myself for her arrival. The day she moves in will be hard and if they have a wedding that day will be hard too. I don't think they have a date yet. I do realize that it's over and that his life has no bearing on mine. I have an opportunity to find a great person. Still struggling with the hurt.

I need to stop perseverating over all the hurts that John has inflicted on me. Thank you God for the gift of time. I am glad that Kelley is not moving here immediately. This gives me time to work through this. Her arrival will be very difficult for me as will the wedding day. I probably shouldn't have talked about Kelley and John getting married and the fact that the girls are moving here with Aidan but I did. I didn't say anything bad and tried to make it a good thing. Like the fact that Kelley will bring furniture and the girls will bring their toys etc. Aidan said he is happy to have three sisters.

 I need to continue to focus on me. So what if John is getting married. He was a terrible husband and I don't see that it will be different for Kelley. However, I have an opportunity to find a truly great guy. I will always have the love and support of Aidan. God help me please. I need to get over this. It sucks that Kelley and her girls will be at Aidan's birthday and graduation from preschool. I need to get over this so that when the time comes I am gracious hostess. Please God help me heal and move on.