Journal Entry for August 8, 2008
August 8, 2008 4:10am
I haven't written in months! I have been home for a month now, living in a new house which is very quiet. It is impossible to be stressed living …
vaniIIabean’s Profile
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vaniIIabean
is feeling OK
About Me
I am a computer graphics artist in the visual effects and animation industry. I have been in my field for 3 years now, working on tv commercials, video games, and feature films. I attended art college in San Francisco and earned my BFA there. I would give anything to return to school for my MFA where I would study fine arts. I cannot afford to breathe sometimes and feel I am really living up to the starving artist image. If I had wealth I would want to travel all of Europe. My boyfriend is an aspiring filmmaker from Poland. He is helping me to produce my first short film I am currently working on. I love him and he is my only real friend aside from my sisters who live far away. I do not desire to have children though I find them very amusing at times. I would love to get a small dog companion. I am shy at first sight but become very defensive when people invade my personal space. And I swear like a sailor.
Interests
I enjoy oil painting, life drawing, scrap-booking, and long hot baths. I live for nature, I love the autumn, and I miss the snow. I prefer to be near the ocean and I always love a rainy day. I listen to music ranging from industrial metal to classical. I enjoy going to rock concerts, symphonies, operas, ballets, gallery exhibits, and theatrical plays, although I rarely ever go anywhere because I am too miserable. I appreciate quietness and I would give anything to find a quiet home away from everything. I keep a list of goals I hope to accomplish and I revise them often. Some of those things including learning to dance ballet, learning a second language such as Russian, and learning the piano. Obviously, I daydream a lot.
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Recent Activity
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Journal
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I'm still here
April 12, 2008 6:45am
I haven't written much of anything this year. I took a new job, in Australia. I went from one extreme to another. I was hiding indoors for weeks …
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Journal Entry for February 6, 2008
February 6, 2008 3:41pm
It's been a long time since I have written. I knew I would not be good at committing to this journal. I am going through alot of depression again …
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Journal Entry for January 2, 2008
January 2, 2008 6:19am
I haven't written anything lately. I have just been cleaning house and arguing with my boyfriend; the usual routine. Christmas and New Year went …
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Journal Entry for December 18, 2007
December 18, 2007 5:31am
I haven't written much in days. I've actually been working on my portfolio of visual effects work I've done over the past three years. I …
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Hugbook
Hug
HOpe to hear from You soon :) Still working in Australia? Would love to hear an insider's point of view on the place...Plan to visit there some day :) Take care.
Hug
I haven't been online lately and just wanted to send a hug!
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Hug
Here's a hug for support....:)
Hug
haven't heard from you in a while and just wanted to see how you are.
Hug
the little sea horse is awesome
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Photos
vaniIIabean hasn’t uploaded any photos yet
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Support Groups
Close Depression
I think the depression started for me as early as 8 years old. My family moved from my hometown in Maryland to start a new military family life in California. The year was 1990. The happiness from my life seemed to gradually dissipate. I am now 25 and I have no insight as to what each day will be like for me. My mind is an ongoing war with my emotions.
Treatments
- Celexa Working / Worked
- I just started taking Celepram.
- Writing Working / Worked
- I am new to this. I've ignored depression for so long that I have no other choice at this point but to start somewhere to get my life back. Writing is my first attempt to understanding my mind and might provide information I may later choose to share with a doctor.
Close Stress Management
I am so tense I forget what it is like to be tranquil. Stress has greatly impacted my ability to work and live in a large community and social environment. I dislike having a great deal of neighbors and coworkers because of the many distractions that come with them. I need piece of mind but I cannot financially afford to retreat.
Open Anxiety
I compare anxiety to the feeling of holding my breath. I feel like I am walking on thin ice. It makes me feel like I have robust energy and great exhaustion at the same time.
Open Acne
I have battled with acne for over a decade. I hate every single moment I spend in front of a mirror observing my every pore and swearing to myself that someday it will stop.
Treatments
- Benzoyl Peroxide Not Working
- Tried it as a teen without any significant difference compared to drugstore products.
- Retin-A Not Working
- Tried as a teen with minimal improvement. It dried out my skin and made it red which is normal at first but never lessened.
- Tetracycline Not Working
- Tried it as a teen for what must have been a year. My teeth are still yellow and probably because of it, and my acne did not significantly show any improvement.
- Washing Not Working
- I still wash and moisturize twice a day and I still break out like a teenager.
Open Panic Attacks
I think I've been having panick attacks since I was in college. At first I thought they were full blown nervous breakdowns but I'm beginning to see an infrequent and unpredictable pattern of them.
Open Insomnia
I occasionally suffer from insomnia which I believe to be stress related. It interferes with my ability to work during the day because I get sick when I lose sleep and I miss work hours as a result.
Treatments
- Lavender Working / Worked
- I use lavender bath and body products in the evening. It smells great but does not help me sleep!
- Melatonin Working / Worked
- I take about 3 mg of melatonin most weekday nights. It helps for awhile, then I build tolerance so I either up the dose or I stop taking it for a few weeks. Sometimes I wake up drowsy as a result but at least I get sleep at night.
Open Shopping Addiction
I think retail therapy is an addiction just like junk food. I do not shop with credit but I know I spend beyond my means when I can afford to.
Open Female Sexual Issues
Sex is a frustrating subject for me. I strongly believe that I lost my virginity to a date rape. I find the subject of sex in my society to be horribly overrated. I also have an extremely low libido. I only enjoy sex the first few weeks of a relationship.
Open Codependency
I am clingy, needy, insecure. I need a puppy to cure me. I think my parents neglected to give me the support I needed in my youth. I have poor self confidence.
Open Financial Challenges
I went to a private college and paid for all of it with student loans. I have debt in an excess of $100,000. I pay at least $1000 a month in interest alone.
Treatments
- Budgeting Working / Worked
- I keep track of what I earn and what I spend. I avoid impulsive decisions.
- Debt Consolidation Working / Worked
- I consolidated my federal loans, then I consolidated my private loans.
- Earn Money Working / Worked
- I normally work like normal human beings.
Open HPV
I was told I had cervical dysplasia at age 19. About a year ago I was fed up with abnormal paps and requested an hpv test that tested positive. All I can say now is use a condom! I hate myself for bringing this upon myself.
Treatments
- Colposcopy Working / Worked
- So far has cleared up the abnormal paps. Will have another follow up soon.
Open Internet Addiction
I spend majority of my free time on the internet. I have become a zombie.
Open Healthy Eating
I eat good foods and bad foods. Trying to stay focused on the good stuff.
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Snapshot
vaniIIabean hasn’t been active on the site in a while. Why not give vaniIIabean a hug?
