mrskleen's Journal

Well, things are going down hill a bit. My dad is in considerable pain all the time..we are back to the point where we cant hug him. His morphine is upped on a regular basis and he gives himself booster shots a couple of times a day. He is also on some oral pain killers...But on the positive side..he is still such a happy and brave man! What an amazing person to be in constant pain and still able to laugh and joke around. He gets confused alot, but thats ok..he has been forbidden to drive, but thats ok too..he made me nervous anyways...so he doesnt get out much. We all come to him. But I am so happy that he is still at home. how lucky for us, it would be so hard to have him in the hospital. I hope it doesnt get to that point. I dont want him to pass away there...I want it to be at home, with all of us there at his side...but how Scary...I hate these thoughts...but I know they are unavoidable..Oh dear..its so unreal sometimes that this is happening to our family. It just seems like a bitter end. for a man so wonderful to have such a fierce disease....and to imagine being him is impossible. There is no way I will ever know what he is feeling. I have bad days at work, or feel a little sick, and I then force myself to remember..that Im not dying..not going through this horrible nightmare of knowing that my body is slowly being given to this wretched monster that is cancer. ahhh...this makes me sad. the fear is coming back...the fear of him hurting....a painful death is the last thing my father deserves...the fear of him never being able to forget how to spell my name..tee hee..or making his stacks of papers all over the place..or seeing him physically is going to be the hardest thing ever...!! yet. this is the way of life...so all I can is make the best of it...I am able to do that because of my perfect parents! they have taught us so well....