J1980's Journal

went with mom today to fill out papers for ss disability (honestly felt lost and confused the whole time).  Now find myself looking back and am starting to get depressed.  Its all such a mess trying to go over everthing that happened when it happened what is my "diegnosses" whats what... i just don't know, understand or really care right now.  Want a out but there is none, whant it over with but its just starting, what her back but she is gone, want to enjoy peoples company but am scared and withdrawn.  Not going to be able to send alot of hugs out today, not that i have been the best at it anyway, never quite sure what to say.  I am starting to doubt that change is actually possible for me just day in day out nothing lost nothing gained.  Just waisting time since she has left.  Just depressed i guess yes but also had to face reality wich is wayyyyyy to painful for me.  Sis called last night couldn't really talk to her.  Have not talked to my dad in a few days and he is worried, going to call him later but whats to say... how are you doing well bad.. you were doing so well for a while what happened?  if i knew perhaps things would actually work out.  But whatever happened whatever it is called is not leaving.  I am soo confused about everything its not funny.  My mind is a warzone and nothing sticks it all changes and then gets smashed and changes again.  Would i be better here, there anywhere.  not sure all i am missing my es more and more because it seems less and less likely that i will meet someone and have a relationship like that again.  Oh well she was a beautiful flower and i knew not what to do, and it hurts.