bipolarinmygenes's Journal

Wow. It feels like forever since I've written. My daughter's hair turned out wonderful. I thinned it quite a bit and angled her bangs. Her hair is still thick, but is much more manageable. She loved it too. And actually said so, with a "Thank you" attached. It's so nice to be appreciated!

Yesterday was Easter. In spite of the weather, it was nice. It was cold, and the sun not too sunny. But I had a really good day nonetheless. My step mom called me to wish me a happy Easter. I had been reading just a bit out of a book titled "Your Best Life Now; 7 steps to living at your full potential", by Joel Osteen. The part I was reading was about going through difficult times. He said that when we are going through an especially difficult time, we should think that perhaps God is changing us, making us better. And maybe, we ought not to pray for God to change others or our circumstances. That we need to allow God to change us. To use adversity to make us better. Anyway, I also had felt bad because I hadn't bought my step-mom a card or even called her for her birthday which was on March 1st. She didn't seem to care about that though. She just called to talk and see how we all were doing. I felt so happy and ready for change. I've been struggling with having hard feelings for my mom and all that has happened. I had even written my mom a letter, but was unable to send it because I was so emotional and didn't know really how to say what I wanted, or have it misinterpreted. Well anyway, after talking with my step-mom we said good bye and hung up. I immediately picked up the phone and called my mother. And, she actually answered and talked to me. Her boyfriend is in Texas and therefore he wasn't there to make her feel bad or monitor what she was saying. I told her I loved her and that I'd missed her. I said alot of things that I needed to say. I also told her that I've been reading the Bible and one of the 10 Commandments was to Honor Your Mother and Father. I told her that is something that I haven't done very well. I explained that I only went to court and did what I did because I was trying to protect her. I didn't realize the outcome would be as it is. I told her that I was sorry that I didn't honor her wishes and continued to pursue guardianship even though it was against her wishes. She also said she was sorry. And sorry for not being a very good mother at times. She told me that Leo would be mad if he knew we were talking. I told her so what. She said he wouldn't be apart from his family like he is asking her to do. I cried and cried while talking to her. My eyes were so puffy and crusty today when I woke up (even though I washed my face last night). Anyway, I told her that Lauren works part time at our local donut shop. I told her how she has a class ranking of #1 out of a freshman class of 505 students, plus taking all honors classes at that. I told her how she's got her driving permit now, and how she was in Marching band, Show Choir, and now Soccer. I told her how Amanda had been in Basketball and how both girls have signed up for softball. How Amanda only had to sell one box of chocolate bars, but asked for a whole case, because she likes to sell. I told her how much Amanda is like her and if "grandma helped you sell these, you'd have them all sold in one day". The issue of money also came up. I told mom how I got stuck with 7 thousand dollars worth of bills from the guardianship, etc and how I must now change jobs to try to pay it all off. Mom asked me if I had ever gotten paid for the money I put out for her and her things. I told her no, but that I wasn't going to ask for it or that would just reinforce everything Leo said about me wanting money and how that wasn't true. Anyway, we talked on the phone for over an hour. I felt so much better. I feel that I was trying to do what was right and honor my mother and not hold a grudge.

When I went to go pick up Lauren from work at the donut shop, she said that grandma had come in to see her. How she bought some donuts and waited until Lauren could wait on her and talk to her. After picking up Lauren, I ended up stopping at mom's. I was too excited. She opened the door and we hugged. My eyes teared up again. Even though we have went through so much, even though I know that mom will most likely go back to being guarded when Leo gets back from Texas, I was still happy to see her and put my arms around her. I think that if I had not called her, I would not have seen her, etc. Even though I had gone back and forth with my emotions and my "stance" on the whole situation, I felt God was leading me to do what was right. Even if things are different tomorrow. I feel that I did what I should. Well, I've got to write more later. I've got to go to the grocery store and pick up something for supper.

Nancy