beekeep's Journal

Past midnight, 5/7/08

"Bad" isn't the exact way I'm feeling right now.  "Sad" is what my face is expressing. 

Eunice is dying;  the reverse of creation happening in front of me.  To see her become so weak.  Her mind fading.  Difficult swallowing, in fact, I'm not sure how much longer she will be able to swallow pills. 

What bothers me the most is the lose of her sense of humor, the hallow stare. 

Tonight I gave her 1/2 Ativan tab to soften her dream state.  Perhaps she won't care if she poops her pants, or pees. 

Am I doing everything I know how to do?  I want this transition for her to be much easier, but I have no control. 

At this point all I know is to keep her comfortable via pills, then morphine drops.  Then she's off into a dream like state. 

I feel sad that I wish that this is over soon.  It has been difficult saying goodbye to a best friend, my Mom.

Tuesday, 11/6/07

Difficult day caring for declining parents.  For the past three days my Dad has had blood in his urine.  Even with antibiotics the blood is still there.  So tomorrow he'll have a CAT scan of his pelvis/abdomen in hopes of finding the source of the blood. 

At his annual physical today, the doctor and I brought up the topic of giving up driving a car.  W thought it would still be okay for him to drive to the church, bank, post office, Staples once every week.  As Dr. A said, "Web, I'm not worried about your cognative ability in driving, but your slowness in physically reacting.  Most accidents happen within 10 miles of the driver's home.  This means you should not drive at all!"  W was quiet, and has not brought the topic up.

E is losing track of the days of the week.  She did not remember that yesterday was her 84th birthday. 

This is so sad for me to watch my parents go through this.  Then knowing that someday I too will experience this.  I miss having parents that understand what I am saying.  Or, having the energy to change their clothes, or the ability to help in the kitchen.  Grief, pure grief of losing them.

I am the adult?

Sunday, a day of rest, especially after cooking for the family this weekend and taking my Dad to his social engagements. . .

When I'm tired I eat more, so the kitchen is not a good place to be.  Most of this weekend I was grocery shopping, preparing meals, or cleaning up after feeding my folks, 2 brothers and their families, and myself.  If I had my way we'd all sit down with a 1/2 gallon of ice cream and cookies, or on the other extreme, a bag of micro waved popcorn.  This is true fast food.  In reality this did not happen, so I feel tired of cooking.

So in situations like this I find it difficult to nuture myself, besides over eating. When I over eat I become angry/resentful that I am the cook and clean up crew, which ends up in more over eating.  I have to set this up different next family visit.

In the last year I have lost 32 pounds via Weight Watchers.  I do struggle back and forth with the last 5 pounds.  And actually my MD wants me to lose another 40-50 pounds, which seems overwhelming with what else is on my plate.  So I'm not worrying about that at the present- Though, I DO NOT want to gain what I have lost.