Micall's Journal

 I got some sleep and ready for another day ! Yesterday was a BAD day ! lack of sleep was a factor gggrr. I bought a bible in a charity shop 3 books for a £ not bad eh, nice bible too, maybe the devil didn't like it and tried to mess my head up yesterday so that i started drinking again. The day actualy started well, i have been feeling good about life and myself lately, i think i made the mistake of realising it LOL i thought to myself everything seems to be unusualy good lately, big mistake bam 10 problems come at you at one's. Some of the problems are going to take a while to sort out but im not going to drink. The only way i will have a drink is if my back is completely against the wall and i have no place to go, right now i have got room to manouver ! I have been sceptical about religion through my life 50/50 ! but im going to ask God for help and let other people that might read this see it. I have prayed a few times lately in private ! Lets try a public one !

PLease God help me to recover from my alcoholism, help me to have the strength to be confident for myself my family and friends, help me to do the right things, help me to understand and have faith in you Amen

PS Thanks for my friends on DS and my 5 months sober Amen

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I wouldn't worry about readin this as it might go on, its just off the top of my head problems that i have got.

I want to move away 1. because it can be a nasty place to live and it gets me down, 2. because i am expected to be a strong father figure. My kids are no longer kids, well except my Angel Daughter Amber 14 who is going off the rails lately, yes she needs me to be strong for her.

My 3 sons are at the age where they are having kids themselves geting married etc etc. I am expected to be sober at weddings parties get-togethers with there partners and families. I am the shyest person you will ever meet, thats part of the reason i took drugs and drank for  30 years realy (confidence) 

I have done things that i am ashamed of and i find it hard to face people and look them in the eye, to be calm enough to hold a conversation, my mind goes blank, i want to run away, i fell like a litle boy, not a father figure ! 

I havn't realy had a proper job in 20 years.

I have been with the wrong girl for 24 years, i was the wrong boy for her too ! Saying that, im far from perfect but i do feel that  because i do think of others before myself ! i have brought up my kids beter than they might of been if i wasn't thier ! The mother of my kids has changed but 24 years of hell is hard to forget, yes i had the drink problem, that has been hiden from the children as best as i could, i spent nearly all of my drinking and drying out at my flat not the family home. 

I feel that i need to start my life again at 47 ? Not pick the right now but the right girl. That might sound nasty of me the way i have just put the mother of my kids down but if its felt like someone has hit you in the head with a baseball bat for 20 of the 24 years you have been together you dont say they kissed you on the cheek.

Strike one in my atempt at being one of Gods children oops, is lying a sin though.

Thats enough of that i think. Thanks for reading.

I am feeling beter today than yesterday by the way.