ellei's Journal

My boyfriend is playing poker tonight and I am home alone.  I am bored.  I don't know what to do.  I pace, clean, pace, clean, eat, rearrange things, flip the channels.  Why do I do this?  I feel so unproductive.  I will do this for hours.  Pace and clean and accomplish nothing.  It reminds me of being a kid and the many times my mom "restricted" me to my room for hours and sometimes days on end.  I could only come out of my room to eat and use the bathroom.  I read a lot, did my homework, played music, drew pictures but mostly I paced and cleaned and organized, reorganized, arranged, rearranged and paced again.  I am still like that.  I moved out of my house at 17 so I wouldn't have to live like that anymore.  I am trapped.  I am still living like I did in my parents house.  I don't do anything.  I sit and wait and I don't understand why.  I hate this.  My habits become worse.  I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what.  I won't leave the house.  That is not even an option.  I wouldn't even know where to go and when I got there I would feel anxious and leave immediately.  I am so codependent.  I don't go anywhere alone.  I keep scratching and picking at my skin.  I chew on my lips until they are chapped.  I hate this.  I should be able to go out and have a life.  I have no friends.  I have no hobbies, no interests, nothing.  I am dull, boring, lame.  I wonder how much of the mistreatment my parents bestowed on me as a child was my doing.  How many times did I allow my mom to treat me the way she did?  My ex boyfriend asked me why I didn't stand up for myself.  I didn't know I had a choice.  My only option was to move out.  I had to get good grades in school, graduate with honors, get accepted into a university on a scholarship and move out.  What else?  I tried talking back and it made the situation worse.  I became apathetic.  Learned helplessness.  I didn't think anything I could do could change my situation.  My academics were my only salvation.  Without my good grades I don't know where I would have gone after high school.  I couldn't take the ridicule anymore.  The humiliation and lack of respect.  I hated living under the same roof as my mom.  She was awful to me and my sister.   Now I wonder if I have always been this dull and lackluster.  Did I deliberately make things harder on myself?  Were my parents less hard on me than I was on myself?  Did I constantly make things worse?  Am I still doing this to myself?  If my mom was responsible, I should have solved the problem by moving out right?  I removed her from the equation and I'm still feeling like shit.  Why?  Do I need to cut her out of my life completely?  Do I need to get over it?  Will I ever get over it?  Is it me?  I think the only time in my life when I felt decent was when I was using drugs.  I was happier then.  I laughed more.  I had friends, interests.  I had a life.  Now I have none.  The most significant thing I noticed after putting down meth was the boredom.  The incredible relentless boredom.  I also noticed I no longer had an interest in music or any other hobby or activity that I once enjoyed.  My friends had moved on with their lives and didn't include me any more.  The worst thing I have done in my life was not to use drugs but to stop using drugs.  I don't know if it is depression, age or drugs or a combination of all three but life is so mundane now.  I think life was always mundane and the drugs just gave me something to do.