ellei's Journal

My boyfriend made me angry again as usual.  I am tired of complaining.  My stomach is very upset and I can't sleep.  I am almost finished moving.  I received a copy of the lease.  I just have to move some stuff out of my storage space.  I am trying to get a job at the company I temp at.  I put in for two jobs today and talked with my supervisor about a third.  If I can land a permanent job I can start paying off my student loans.  I don't even want to write in this journal.  I don't see the point.  My life has become so mundane, filled with self loathing and discontent.  I figured at some point I have to snap out if it.  My therapist said depression is a progressive disease.  I will not wake up one day and just stop feeling like shit.  It is a process.  It takes a lot of willpower and determination to treat anxiety and depression.  I don't know of any success stories.  I don't even have a diagnosis.  What if it really is all in my head?  No pun intended.  I have been doing some reading on existentialism.  I wonder if one can be existential by nature.  Are depressed people existential?  Have they not found 'god'?  Am I attempting to apply meaning to disorder?  It is too late for deep thought.  I need sleep.