AnAddictionAdored's Journal

 Hummph.

I don't know what to say really.
I just... felt like writing for awhile.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I haven't gotten out of bed yet (3:30pm) simply because there's no point in getting up.
All i'd do is eat, so what's the point?
I'm fat enough as it is! I don't need to eat anymore for a good three months.
I feel so tired, so useless.
I purged again yesterday, but my body wasn't cooperating so it didn't go how i wanted it to.
Then i binged again, but didn't purge... So now i'm going to get fat anyway.
My stomach is sore and achey today.
Well, whenever i move anyway.
It's fine laying in bed but when i get up and walk around its uncomfortable.
Stupid Claire, can't keep her hands out of the cookie jar.
Fat Claire, can't keep food out of her stomach.
Weak Claire, can't lose weight.
Ugly Claire, Will be fat till she dies.
Which feels like soon.
I can't stop thinking about suicide.
I had a dream last night that i was on this giant boat... kind of like an At-Sea-Rehab for hundreds of people, even those who technically didn't have disorders or addictions.
But, rather, had minor annoyances with their minds and wanted to escape them.
I like the idea of getting away from my family and being watched, just so i can relax and know that even if i try to top myself, someone would stop me.
In my dream i was thinking about killing myself so i lay down on the library floor and stared at the walls covered in books until this guy walked past and asked if i was ok.
I nodded, despite this being a lie (its an automatic response) but he kept talking to me, offered me a hand up and took my arm and took me out onto the main deck towards the therapists Cabin.
But i stopped to stand and stare at the railing of the boat, thinking about jumping over, but then the dream changed to something else.

 I can't help but feel trapped in this existance.
I feel like i'm dreaming.
I feel like if i kill myself, i wont die, i'll simply wake up to reality because this feels SO much like a dream.
I'm tired of worrying about whats going to happen next.
I don't have that gadge that usually tells you what could really happen and what is ridiculous and wont happen.
You know, like trying to tell the difference between irrational and rational fears.
Well, i feel like anything could happen, because dreams can turn to nightmares at any second.
I don't trust my mind anymore.
I feel like it can do anything to me, and no one can stop it.
I'm scared i'll open a door one day and there will be a monster behind it, or i will look out my window and there will be a crazed, infected zombie staring back at me, or that suddenly my family will slowly become more and moer crazy until they all start having mental breakdowns and topping themslves.
I'm scared i'll hurt people in my sleep.
I'm scared i'll wake up oneday to an empty house with walls and floors covered in blood, my hands and arms covered in scratches and other peoples blood mingled with my own.

I'm scared about what's going to happen next, because i can't predict when my mind might snap.
I don't trust it.
I don't trust anything to be honest.
Anything can happen in a nightmare, it just depends how far down that sick twisted path your mind is willing to go.