what am i doing to myself
what am i doing to myself day went so good as far as eating until the night time and i went crazy i ate so much and …
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Man i feel exhausted...
I was trying to fast all day.
I worked out for half an hour on the bike this morning.
But then i had to cook dinner for my brother because my mum and other brother went into town to babysit my nephew for my sister... and i started picking at the baked beans in the pot while they warmed up (ha, yeah my brother got a pretty dull dinner! baked beans with onions and cheese with some toast) ... then i stole half of one of the slices of toast i had cut up for him... then i ate this little quare of cheese... then i slipped into a sort of binge and scoffed down 5 or so little honey biscuits while drinking cream to wash them down.
Lard, lard, lard and maybe some more lard, right?
So... then there weren't anymore biscuits left on the plate so i grabbed the bag of left over cut offs from the cakes i made the other day and i ate about a cup of cake pieces with cream...
Had a green tea amongst all that.
Then i got really frustrated and scared because i ate, oh the horror *rolls eyes at self*.
So... i purged.
I didn't want to stop.
Was kneeling in the bathroom for 20 minutes because i didn't want to stop.
But then the roll of toilet paper that i had been taking tisues off to wipe my mouth clean was running out so i felt guilty for wasting paper and killing the trees and what not 
so i left and cleaned myself up and came back into the living room but i felt like i needed to do more, so i did a 30 minute pilates dvd and half a yoga dvd that i wanted to check out.
I probably should have done more then that, but oh well.
Now i feel so... dead and quiet and subdued.
I like this feeling.
It's kind of like being drunk only minus the alcohol and the happy buzz.
It's just... peaceful.
Hollow.
Empty...
Anyway, i'm going to watch the end of Cops on tv... Americans are crazy by the way 
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you poor thing, you sound so scared - do you feel scared when you are binging and/or purging? i am scared for you
please please find an outlet for help ... i don't want you to start your adult life this way ... break the cycle
and stop watching Cops :)
Erin34
What's wrong with cops?
I don't know if i feel scared when i purge, i tend to get this... strange excited feeling, along with this elated buzz when it comes to purging.
And i get angry when i'm binging because i can't stop it, but i don't think i get scared.
AnAddictionAdored
If you read my journal entries, I have gone through this so many times this week, last week etc. Fasting though, doesnt really help because it starts the bp cyycle. You starve a little, you eat a lot and purge. Try to starve as much as you ate, end up eaating more. Then you don't starve at all you just bp everyday. Once a day turns to 3 times a day. Before you know it, you are purging and binging all day long, ready to overdose on meds because you gained weight and you can't throw up anymore after that last binge...
Rolling on the floor in pain because your stomache is about to burst, yet you can't get it out.
I know its hard, but to break the bp cycle, you have to eat three meals a day. They can be small meals, but make them full meals that leaves you so you don't think about food.
cutiepiesweetpea1113
You're right... it is hard.
I know i'm supposed to eat 3 meals a day, i know it's supposed to make it easier not to binge, but it seems i still binge even when i do eat 3 meals a day for a few days in a row!
I was binging constantly for a week before i even started purging.
I'm going to binge, whether i purge or not. Purging is just ... a way to try and escape the consiquences of my binging.
AnAddictionAdored