DJ20's Journal

Well today Wednesday was not such a good day, nor was yesterday, tuesday. Did not go to work on tues, could not get my self motivated, was only going to take morning off but as mentioned took whole day.  Today, Wednesday, I went to work, not feeling like  really going, I feeled unmotivated, hard time consintration.  But above all this I was in a good mood, smiling and such, even when I was called into the office for a meeting with the team lead, manager, and site supervisor, along with my case worker.  reason being last thursday had put in to have half day off along with full day friday,  well wednesday notified team lead I would not be coming in, so did not call in on thursday morning due to me thinking all was cool.  got a call from manager asking where i was, notified HR first, got clearance from HR that morning would be covered.  I messed up a little but the whole day was covered on Thursday.  Well today the meeting was about thursdayh, got a write up, they told me their mumbo jumbo or BS agreed to my error, well did well good in meeting, kept my cool, stayed calm, did not raise my voice or anything, went on my way.  Well last week I had started to come up with a plan to end my life, was planning to do it after this last weekend, went on religious retreat, well I thought that those thoughts were extenquesed well guess not, the suasidal thoughts have come in stronger, I don't feel like going to work tommorrow, have decided on how I will do it. started taking inventory or my things, so the right thing goes to the right person, did not get very far, but that does not mean that it will slow me down from suceeding with my goal.  I really just can no longer handle the financies, work situaton, environment. my health and this damn bipolar crap.  my weight seems to be going back up, right now I just don't want to deal with life, I have thought of what it would mean, to the family, roommate, friends, and the fact that it would be a permanent thing, once dead always dead,  so above all this I have been praying.  So pray for me.  I know that I am still not out of the woods with my break down a couple of weeks ago, well T2UL will see how I feel in the morning, as to if I make it to work