AnneMarie's Journal

So we found out that DH's mom's cancer is back.  Today she had surgery to remove it - when they got in there, they realized that it was not removable - the tumor is connected to her liver and one of her kidneys, it is also attached to a bone in that same area.  They said it is very big - obviously so given the area that it is covering.  So, now its off to chemo we go - this is the third time in three years that she has had to have chemo.  She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer initially and every time it has reappeared, it has been traced back to her original diagnoses of ovarian cancer - even though she had a full hystorectomy (sp?)  So . . . I am terrified that my DH is going to loose his mother - it scares me beyond belief.  I don't want to see him go through that pain. 

So this on top of the fact that we will be bringing home a baby boy in 6 and a half weeks and a baby girl in four months.  I am in a very strange place right now.  I am sooooo excited about the babies that we are about to adopt.  I am confused with my emotions.  I am supposed to be sad and upset about MIL and I am but I am also itching to finish the baby's room and all I want to talk about is my babies.  This is very hard.  We have so much to do still to get ready for the baby and my husband is walking around in a daze (to be expected) but he finds stuff to do with work, etc., he seems able to do work related things but when I bring up the baby (like I did tonight still picking out a girl name) he said "I can't do this right now, not after seeing my mother in so much pain today"  Well - he was able to go help another farmer with his planter - he was able to go to the Knights of Columbus meeting last night but he can't talk about our babies?  What?  It's like all of a sudden we can't be happy about our soon to be family because of MIL's cancer.  I am so confused - how to I go about this.  I am very upset that she is sooo sick but I am happy that my babies will be in my arms soon.

DH's dad came straight to our house from the hospital - we had just gotten here too and he was so upset - I brought him inside, gave him a beer and we sat down at the kitchen table and we talked - he had tears in his eyes - he asked me what we were going to do - I told him we were going to use the most aggressive chemo and get rid of this once and for all - he is mad at the doc. for not getting this four years ago.  Well while we are have this conversation my DH leaves - saying that he has to go check on a planter - what?  Leave me to comfort your dad while you go do something that could totally wait until tomorrow.

His sister is expecting me to be at the hospital this weekend - I had plans to go with my mom and sister to get some baby stuff - I was really looking forward to it - my sis is in town from Texas b/c of a break in her school and will be going back soon - I have not seen her yet b/c of the cancer - I really want to see her - but SIL is grilling me about what days I can be at the hospital to sit with my MIL until she is discharged.

So does cancer trump everything?  How do I balance this?  How do I tell my hubby that I am very sad and upset about his mother but I am also very excited about our babies and we need to get ready for their arrival.

God - praise to you becuase I know that you are in control.  GOD - I am at a total loss here - I don't know how to handle the emotions that are creeping up on me.  I don't want to be mad at DH but right now I am - help me to release the anger that I am feeling against him right now.  Help me to know where my time needs to be spent between these two very big life events.  God heal Delia - give her the strength she needs to face the upcoming chemo with a brave heart and strong body.  God help me to be the wife my husband needs me to be right now - I don't have a clue how to give him what he needs when all I really want to do is say to him "WHAT ABOUT OUR BABIES - THEIR IMPORTANT TOO"  He does not need to hear that right now - he is worried about his mother and that is what he should be concentrating on.  God if I am being selfish - please take that from me - in my heart I am hurting for Delia but all I really want to do is get ready to be a mommy and I feel terribly guilty about that.  God, I know that you will take care of whatever needs to be done between now and the arrivial of our son and daughter so my prayer is that you will show me how to be a supportive wife to my husband through this terrible situation and in six weeks show me how to be a good wife a good mother and still care for a very sick mother in law.  God, you've got this - and I praise your name for that.