sleepykitten's Journal

Journal Entry for July 2, 2008 Mood

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

When I was having those arguments and stuff with my boyfriend at the weekend I was having a tough time. It wasn't so much the way my boyfriend was acting, but it just reminded me of my past. He kept saying its got nothing to do with anyone else, just us. But I kept thinking no it is about everything else, this is about my past.

I started thinking about stuff so much its like I got locked inside my own head.

I couldn't respond to anything, I was aware of what was going on but I just couldn't speak or look. Sean kept saying "katie please tell me what your feeling, try and tell me whats going on" but I couldn't. I managed to tell him that I couldn't speak because I felt like I was somewhere else.

I just laid in bed, staring at the wall not saying anything for hours. Sean had left me alone for a little bit but then he came in to see how I was doing and started trying to make me talk again. I just started freaking out and crying and screaming. Like I'd completely lost my mind.

Its kind of embarassing when stuff like this happens. It used to happen a lot but this is the first time in ages that I've dissassociated (I think thats what it is). I haven't spoken about it since so I thought it might be healthy to write about it here, and maybe I will try talking to Sean about it tonight and give him more information about it in case it happens again or in case he is feeling confused.

But thats exactly what it feels like, locked inside my own head. Like I am in another time or place. I keep thinking about little details of my past and it feels as if I am still there.

Hug sleep...

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Comments

I can totally relate to what you are saying here, it's so hard, thanks for writing it though it maybe will help me when I get in that state, sometimes you have to just go with it! hope you are feeling okay, the things that have happened in our past are the hardest obsticles I find, I often think take them away and being bipolar I could deal with! anyhow big hugs for you, stay strong xxx

helppp25
Your right, it is a form of dissassociation, but its not what you think. It means that your mind has started unlocking some painful secrets from your past. In order for it to do this, you must be in a very good and safe place or your mind wouldn't of started unlocking itself. It means that you are now ready to deal with whatever happened that your mind thought was to painful for you to deal with that it blocked it from your consciousness.
Your B/F is well meaning but wrong. We are all nothing but what our past makes us into. Let yourself relax and your mind will replay what it blocked from you. Remember, the past can no longer hurt us so ignore the feelings that might arise in you, anger, shame, etc... Jus accept the facts, it might help you to understand why you are the way you are. Tell the B/F that you need to take a break from things and just relax. Let them come but do not be shocked at what surfaces. Your mind has decided that you are ready. Remember, these memories were so painful that your brain decided to block them from you conscous mind. Good luck. Eric

weinere46
I think Eric has a rational explanation for what happened to you. It is something that often can occur with post traumatic stress disorder. Do you think it started after you stopped taking your meds?

al67
I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. I feel that way too sometimes like I'm stuck in my head with all these thoughts running through. But, talk about it with your boyfriend and I'm sure he will understand. I really do think he was just concerned and wanted to help.

christinajeanne