finishline's Journal

Hello my love,

Well your family reunion went very well, or as well as it could without you. It was very hot and I noticed the crowds have gotten smaller, maybe due to the heat or maybe because we are losing so many family members. Our daughter made it there she is about 3 months pregnant and I can't seem to show any excitement. She had ask to come back home because the idiot she married won't work and they are so far behind in everything, at first I said OK, I would help her out then after I paid her car and insurance I realized she was just using me again. I know what you are saying How many times am I going to fall for this. She is in such poor health the last thing she needs is a baby. She can't walk on her own, she still has one lung full of cancer she needs operated on, her brain tumor is still growing and the idiot won't work to save his life. I keep hoping the lord finds it in his heart to do the right thing, I know I must sound horrible but having a miscarriage would be the best thing in her life right now. They are not responsible for themselves much less a child. How will she care for a baby when she can't walk and carry it. Well I think she found out that if she has the baby and due to her being totally disabled the state will give them Social Services payments so the idiot can stay home and care for her and the baby. Well that is what he wants someone to pay him to sit home and play video games. He is the most useless piece of human waste I have ever seen in my life. He did not look at me nor say a word to me at the reunion and I am so glad. You know me after so long of keeping my mouth shut I explode and when I do explode on him there will be nothing left of that idiot. 

I wish so much you were here because I know things would be different and I know what you would do with them. I am facing each day as if you are just away, I talk to you and hope you hear me. I was denied for the extra life insurance on myself, they denied me due to chronic depression, how stupid after 25 years of depression I have never hurt myself nor anyone else. Like I told them if I killed myself the policy is voided. No insurance company pays when someone commits suicide, I am not stupid. So now I have to do it all over again and try to get another policy to protect my kids at home. I know they are older now and soon they will be on their own but in case anything does happen I don't want them to lose their home I would rather them be able to sell it and split the estate. As much as it pains me our oldest knows she gets nothing as long as she is with that idiot. I have it set up for any medical needs or personal needs taken care of by someone else but I refuse to give her one cent as long as she is with that idiot. I just needed to explain this to you, I know you understand and I am hoping you find a way to keep things together as you always did.

My dearest love, life was supposed to be ours to live, we had so many plans and places to go. I keep seeing your face on that horrible day you died, I keep wishing I would have not let them take you so I could have spent more time with you. I know your soul was still there and I could have talked to you, why did I not stay up all night talking to you, why did I not know that would be your last day alive? You were so strong, my hero, best friend, my protector yes my love you were my life and my life is empty now without you. I love our children but nothing can ease the pain of not having you. You were so very special, kind, gentle and so full of life, people loved you and you always had a way of helping everyone. You knew what was the right thing to do in any situation, me I am a lost soul trying to figure out what I am doing. I always thought I was strong but that was an illusion I was only strong with you by my side. Well I best be getting back to work so I can keep going. I am having a dinner gathering tonight with other people in my support group who have lost their spouses. I am the last one who has not gotten to a year since you died. But I won't be here I will be away so I can be with you. I don't think I will be any good to anyone August 11th but I will have you in my heart. Goodbye for now love and keep flying high in the sky, I know it is you when I see that eagle soaring in the sky. You are gods smiling angel and my love forever.

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"

Kim