finishline's Journal

Hello my dear,  it was 10 months ago at this time I saw you take your last breath. That day I will never forget. How you looked the sudden way your eyes opened and then shut. The way you had taken your last breath. I hope you knew I was there,  I hope you saw me standing next to you. I never left your side, I cried and hugged you I cried as I watched our children give you kisses and cry,  I sat with you telling you just how much I loved you and I walked beside you as they were taken you away. I stood in the driveway as they drove away watching with you in the back of that van, my life flashed before me in an instant. So much to do and I needed to keep my composure so our kids would be OK, your family and mine and people that were coming to help. I can not break, I took your pills they did numb me I was able to make arrangements, talk and not turn into a basket case in front of everyone. I did OK for weeks till the drugs were gone they reality hit. The breakdown happened the non stop crying and the tough reality of I am alone now, you are not coming back. I have truely lost my one and only love. I have had 10 months and each month on this day I say you have made it another month without Glenn. Keep you head up keep his memory alive, he never did like to see you sad he was a happy person and he loved life so I must do things with him in my heart and on my mind so it will be as if he is really here with me. I am going on my first vacation on your one year anniversary of your death ALONE. I want to sit on the beach and hope you can feel it as you always loved the beach. I will take this vacation alone but with you in my heart so you will be with me. I also am going to attend your dad's family reunion in Tennessee as your uncle is not doing well. I have not been there since we got married over 30 years ago. I am going with our son Glenn III, I believe he and Dylan are the last to carry on the family name at least from your dad's side.

I am so sad I can't concentrate at work today my mind is wondering and I keep tearing up thinking of your last moments. That will forever be planted in my head. I was so stupid to walk around thinking we would be together forever. I need those drugs again to help me feel normal to kill this pain. The meds I am on now don't numb the pain, I hate this horrible pain. I always said I would go first because you were not leaving me, you would just make a joke and we would carry on. I miss talking to you so much I need to know what to do. I am so stressed out trying to handle everything I am so very lonely without you. What I would give to have my cell ring just one more time and it flash your name. I use to think how can he call so many times a day but now I would be blessed to have you calling me even once more. I stare at all the photos of you on my desk and window at work, you are everywhere here. your photo is in your truck so when I drive it I can see you and in our bedroom I have a entire wall of everything you.

Well my love watch over our family and send your love and strength to me I need you.

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"

Kim