finishline's Journal

Hello my love,

Well Mother's Day was the 9 months since you passed away and the memories were hard. This has been a very bad month so far. Between Mother's Day without you, I also spent my 50th birthday without you. I met with some other widows are we are so well known. and we had drinks but I had too much to drink and with all the medications I am taking it did not  turn out good. I came home and locked myself in my room, the kids were banging and pleading with me to open the door they did not know what was wrong and I kept telling them I just wanted to be alone but they would not give up. They called my brother and they came over banging trying to get me to open the door they found a way to pop the lock and opened the door. I just was in bad shape I had completely broke down and could not stop crying and I hurt so bad I could not stand it. I  made everyone mad because the kids were so upset they kept saying if something happens to me they have no one left. I could not go to work Wednesday. I was in bed all day. I felt so bad I could not express how sorry I was to the kids enough. I explained things to them I told them how I was feeling, I am tired of fighting on everything I have to do. I know I am alone I know I have to take care of them and the house, work, all repairs and try to deal with the millions of daily issues I face and sometimes it gets too overwhelming. I always had you and when I had you I had confidence, I had ability and strength and I felt as there was nothing I could not do.

I had a dream Wednesday when I finally passed out and you were alive, as plain as day you told me you were not dead and you laughed you said look I am here and it was true I felt you and I kept thinking I had just had a bad dream or maybe I had suffered a bad head injury it was true you were alive and well and smiling as always. I felt so good I wanted to get dressed but I was afraid to leave you in that moment so I just started telling you everything and we laughed and things were normal again. I had no pain you were beside me. Then the phone rand and I lost my breath when I answered because it was not a dream you were dead and I was alone.

I am sorry for the pain I caused everyone I know you were there to tell me something I clearly remember one thing you said and my dear you never have to worry about that. I am so very depressed and the meds are not helping. Because I am on medication I am having a tough time getting additional life insurance on myself they are fighting me all the way. Please watch over our daughter on the 29th when she has her lung cancer surgery. I will be with her and we need you there with us. Please forgive me for being weak and give me time.

I love you forever and always!! You were the one thing that was perfect in my life, you gave me courage, strength, love and kindness you showed me how to live and laugh and to be alive like nothing could. You are my angel.

"HERE WITHOUT YOU"