finishline's Journal

 Hello my love,

Well the months are passing quickly and my heart aches so bad. I try to put on a happy face so I don't make everyone feel uncomfortable, it is the big fake as I call it. I went to another funeral and it really brings me back to yours. I look at the loved ones grieving and know the eternal pain they will continue to suffer and it breaks my heart. I come to your grave every week and sit there, I can't speak I just feel so empty, I can't face the fact you are not going to call me or come home again. I sat there last week for about an hour on my little stool and the sun was shining and it was a nice breeze and I just think about our life. I put a photo of us together on the urn and added more flowers to your grave. Dave keeps telling me you are not there your soul has went to heaven but that is my comfort zone. To think back we were never apart for very long and if we were you were always calling me to check in. I miss my calls from you several times a day, now it is just Terra or April or annoying sales people. April's surgery was postponed till the end of May. I have had 2 funerals in the last 2 weeks, I am praying that my daughter is OK and I am sure she will be, Dr. Schrump is the best. They all remember you my dear, when I go in with April they tell me happy stories of how you made them all laugh and the nice things you did for people. You were one of a kind. I had dinner with your co-workers last week and Art has taken your old job as shop steward going against the union. He is trying but we both know he can't touch the job you did while you were there. You were so respected and everyone knew you could handle anything and you always did. What plans did God have for you that he had to take you so soon? I would really like to understand that one. I a still fighting to have those doctors held responsible for your death. I am mad and I am not going to give up. They did not do what they should have and you paid the price. Well your son is starting to smile a little and come out of his room, I still can't get him to go places but I am working on it. Terra turns 19 this week and she is going to the Ocean for her birthday I got her a Ocean Front room and she is getting spending money for her big day so she is happy. So it will just be me and Glenn Jr this weekend. It is mothers day and my birthday but I don't want nothing to do with neither I just want it to go and I hate people trying to make something out of it. As you know I never enjoyed birthdays or gifts so this year all I want I can't have which is you so I want nothing. I am going to my mom's grave and put some flowers on it, last year you and I were in Maine and I was loving life it was the best birthday I ever had, I know you were not feeling well but you did it for me. You knew how much getting to Maine meant to me and you did it. Not many men would have battled the things you did to make someone so happy. Thank you so much for making me the happiest person in the world. We sat on that beach and it was pure heaven I will never forget it. I am going away alone the week of your death I can't be at home that week. I am not sure where but I will be fine I just want to be left alone so I can remember the 34 years we had. Well my love I must go for now, remember I love you forever and always. You are the sunshine of my life, my one and only love, my best friend and soul mate for ever.

"HERE WITHOUT YOU"

KMG