maureenD's Journal

thanks for all the support guys, i really need it! i am feeling a little better these last few days, i have to tell you though that i have given in to the angel on my shoulder.

i went to visit my parents last night so they could see jack, i really should have made them come to me, but my power went out and it got cold fast, stupid winter! i wish i lived in a warm place like georgia...( :  anyway, i got to listen to my mom make cracks about his weight, and the fact that i don't have him on any kind of schedule, and that he's still sleeping in our room...blah blah blah...i should have said mom back off, you had your 4 kids, now it's my turn, but i just let it go, and waited for her to change the subject. i got to see lots of pictures of new logan, and listen to my sister rave about how cute he is, and what fun she had at the hopsital..how nice she could make it for them but not us...whatever!

 so i made it worse today, and went to visit my brother and the baby...i got them a welcome home gift basket...gift giving is my weakness...john hates that about me, but i can't help it...i wanted her to have all that she needed this first week. please agree that you all would have loved this basket when you first came home:

 pads(big ones), ice packs, some extra mesh underwear, advil, stool softeners, a jumbo supply of tucks, vaseline, a heating pad, a donut to sit on, some ben and jerry's, some ice tea(it's her favorite), a 1st year book, some parenting magazines to look at, and a few other misc. things.

for logan: diapers(i gave him all the ones jack never fit in...he was never a newborn),wipes, a&d, a few outfits(again tiny tiny that my chubber never saw...) purell, and mylicon aka godsend

for my brother: some boy magazines about cars and stuff, pepsi, doritos, a video game, you know boy stuff...

Yeah Yeah i overdid it, there might have been more, i can't remember...and john was like grrr...but i couldn't help it, i know i would have loved to have all that stuff ready when i got home and not had to figure it out on my own that i needed it.  But i worried that she didn't even know she needed some of that stuff you know, i was just trying to be nice. they seemed greatful, and the visit went pretty well. i got to hold him, holy moly is he tiny, and he looks like an old man, it was like holding just a blanket after my ten pound of potatoes! but sweet!

What bums me out is that i don't think things are really going to change...i mean today was okay, and yesterday i guess, but i still think everything is going to be the same, why do i do this to myself? you'd think i'd learn, i used to be like this with my friends growing up, i always gave them everything i could(no not just presents) just all my love and support, and yet it still seemed like i was only good enough on their time...perhaps that's it. maybe because i'm so nice that is why i'm treated like this, maybe it is intentional. people know they can treat me however they want because i always come back, i don't hold grudges, and i allow them to walk on me...but how do i stop? i always give in, i'm so nonconfrentational(sp?) i don't want to make waves. i just put up with it. 

Even at work, i hate my boss, i hate the girl that is trying to take over my job, and has been loving me being gone on maternity...but yet i never say anything, i don't ever stick up for myself. i think after so long of knowing that things don't change i've given up even trying, i'd rather just let it go, be upset on my own and move on, it's not worth trying to change other people who are stuck in their ways...

Anyway enough venting for today, again thanks for listening, and for all the support, will you guys be my new family? lol ( : i have to go to bed, stupid work in the morning...i just want to win the lotto so i can stay home forever,who's in? ( :